I didn't Freeze
by BugsBunny28
Summary: A vampire academy story taking place after "Frostbite". Rose and Dimitri face new enemies and Rose faces an obstacle she has yet to encounter. More inside ;)
1. The Attack

Finally. The moment that I have been waiting for so long has finally came. The blessed sound of the bell released from one of the most exhausting history lessons I've ever had and marked the start a much needed recess. Lissa and I agreed to meet up and take a walk around the school. I haven't talked to her in a while, with training being top priority. everything that happened this year has made me want to become better, stronger. A large part of that was training which Dimitri, which I can't say bothered me much. Even though we agreed we shouldn't be together, because we were both going to be Lissa's guardians and had to put her ahead of everyone else, I still couldn't get him out of my system.

"Hey," Lissa's voice dragged me from my thoughts to the real world, and we started walking towards the wards, wanting to stay clear of the busy, crowded center. We made sure never to cross them though. We talked about many things. One of them being Christian, and I was shocked at how many of the things she told me I had already experienced through her. I didn't tell her that. She enjoyed telling it and reliving it too much for me to ruin it. I loved seeing her so happy. Even though it just made me feel even worse about my own non-existing love life. Even after she opened up to me, I still couldn't bring myself to tell her about me and Dimitri. It was still nice to catch up. It's been so long since we just had some fun, only the two of us.

Suddenly, I noticed a dark figure hiding in the shadow of a tree. We couldn't possibly be in danger, we were inside the wards. Guardian instincts kicking in, I started looking frantically around us, discovering more and more figures. I realized we were surrounded. "What's wrong?" She asked. I wanted to tell her to run. To get out of here as soon as she can. But they realized they were seen and started getting closer and closer, closing in on us.

She realized what was happening, and I felt a shot of fear going through the bond. She didn't know what to do, and wanted me to tell her. I wish I knew. I stood in front of her and started backing away, and she followed my lead and walked backwards, until her back was against a tree, and I was between her and the group of attackers. My lack of nausea, and a quick glance at them, now that they were out of hiding, told me that these aren't Strigoi. Which explains how they got through the wards. But they weren't students either. What could a group of 6 dhampirs and a moroi want with us?

"What do you want?" I asked. Even though it was obvious. They wanted Lissa. Everyone did. She was the last of the Dragomir line, a royal, and a spirit user, but only a few people knew about that last one. I was hopelessly trying to talk my way out of this. A tall moroi, the only one in this group, who was obviously the leader, talked next.  
"We want you to come with us." Me? Why would they want me? I'm just a novice dhampir. But whatever the reason, I wasn't going to go easy. They were dhampirs, not strigoi. I could take them. Right?

"Run, go get Dimitri. Now," I whispered. Lissa heard me and tried to run away. One of the dhampirs caught her, and before he could make his threat I kicked him, making him let go of her and stumble back. She made it out. All I had to do was hold them back until help came. They kept trying to follow her but I wouldn't let them. Before I knew it I was engaged in a fight with all of the dhampirs. They had some training, I realized, but they weren't guardians. Their fighting was too messy, not precise and calculated. They were all bigger and stronger than me though, and I was outnumbered. I was fighting almost automatically. I didn't have time to think, or to look for my next opening. All I could do was dodge and block, and attack only when someone was attempting to go after Lissa. Not to mention, that I didn't have any weapons on me. At some point they realized that going after Lissa was pointless and focused on trying to grab me. They weren't trying to kill me though, which means they really did need me for something. What could that possibly be? Whatever the reason, I wasn't going to go with them. I didn't know how long it's been, how long I've been fighting them. All I knew was that I had to keep going. But the fight became much more intense, and I could finally start doing some real damage. I felt like I wasn't me anymore. I was a well oiled killing machine, which stopped at nothing until all it's enemies are defeated. I kept seeing Dimitri in my mind's eye. The way he fought his opponents, with so much strength on one hand, and so much discipline and precision on the other. The rest of the fight was a haze, but it ended with all of them dead. The moroi escaped.

I was filled with pride. I've defeated 6 dhampirs by myself. I protected Lissa. Not that she was the one needing protection, but if she were we'd be doing the exact same thing, and I would have succeeded. That moment of pride and satisfaction quickly passed when I felt pain all over my body. The adrenaline of the fight started to fade and I was suddenly aware of every hit, cut and bruise on my body. The pain was overwhelming, and I fell to my knees. I knew that I had to get out of there, in case there were more of them. With the last ounce of strength I had in my body, I rose back to my feet. I walked slowly and awkwardly as I vaguely saw someone running towards me. My initial alarm turned into relief when I saw it was Dimitri. I fell to my knees again, and as he reached me and dropped to his too and cupped my face with both his hands.  
"Are you okay?" he asked. The look on his face told me more than a hundred words would. The relief of seeing that I was alive turned into horror as he saw me, and how badly wounded I was. I let myself collapse in his arms, as darkness started to take over my vision.

I woke up in the school's infirmary. I felt someone holding my hand, and as I turned my head I saw Dimitri. He held my hand but seemed to be deep in thought. His eyes were focused on what seemed to be nothing on the other side of the room. I squeezed his hand gently, and he turned to me. A broad smile lit his face when he saw me. He moved stray hair from my face, and I felt his fingers lightly stroking my skin. It was warm and great, but over in a couple of seconds. We were in the school's infirmary after all.

"How are you?" He asked. How was I? I didn't feel any pain at all.

"Did Lissa heal me?" I asked, Even though I already knew the answer.

"Yeah, she did. She was by your side until she had to go to class."

"I wish she hadn't," I told him. "Spirit is taking it's toll on her and I don't like it one bit. I'm not always gonna be able to draw it away from her."

"I'll tell her that next time you're beaten almost to death."

Dimitri? Making a joke? About something as serious as this? _"My work here is done,"_ I thought.

A smile spread over my face. "I did it, Dimitri. I protected Lissa."

"She said it was you they wanted. Do you know why?"

"No. But I don't think they're gonna give up. They're going to come here again." The meaning of the words I said suddenly sank in. I was in danger. I was putting everyone else in danger. I didn't even know how I knew it, but I did. This was only the first round. I didn't every realize how afraid I was until Dimitri's soft touch calmed me down. He cupped my chick with his hand and looked at me. Those dark eyes were looking straight into my soul, understanding everything I felt. They were filled with softness and affection, but also determination and protectiveness.

"I won't let them hurt you. I won't let anyone ever hurt you." He made me feel so safe. Looking at him now, seeing how much he really meant those words, I was certain he's going to do whatever it takes to protect me, which only made it so much harder for me not to kiss him right then and there. I might have, had the door not swung open. Dr. Ozelensky came in, and after a few routine checks, I went to Alberta's room and told her everything that happened. I asked her if I was endangering the school by being there, and she said it was their responsibility to protect me. I didn't argue with that. It was their responsibility, and she saw this as a personal failure. She said they'd call extra security, meaning more guardians, until this is all over.

As if more guardian could help with what was coming.


	2. Thomas

The next day, when I went to practice with Dimitri, all of my feelings came rushing back. The thought of his fingers touching my face ever so lightly, of his eyes looking at me with such affection, seemed so far and unreachable that it hurt. He was all business now. Practice time. Following recent events, he taught me some techniques in fighting a group of attackers, which was a little different than fighting one-on-one. This practice was long and exhausting, and I really needed a shower. But as he was drying his face with a towel, I saw an opening. I lunged at him, dying to see if he could block me or not. He managed to see me and take one step aside, which meant I basically leaped on air and crushed on the floor. But I wasn't done. I kept on trying to attack him, and he dodged and blocked like he always does. At one point he pinned me to the wall, holding me firmly, but still not hurting my hands.

I suddenly noticed how close we were, and by the look on his face, so did he. He should've pulled away, and he knew it. He didn't. I kissed him, like I've been dying to do for so long. His hands let go of mine and went to my face and my back as he returned the kiss with just as much passion. I wrapped my arms around his neck, not wanting this moment to end. But sure enough, it did. He pulled away and pushed me back.

"What are you doing?!" he asked. His sudden anger surprised me. I mean yeah, we had issues, and maybe this wasn't the best idea ever, but still. When I didn't respond, he continued. "This situation is hard on me enough as it as, I don't need you to make it harder."

I looked at him in disbelief. I was making it harder?! Me?! Did he not know how hard it was for me? And how harder he was making it by being so protective and caring? After everything he said, how could he expect me to continue like nothing's wrong? I would've told him all those things, and everything else on my mind. But he was right. We couldn't be together, and doing things like this only makes things harder.

"sorry," I said in a small voice and left. I didn't know what he thought about that, and I didn't care. I just wanted to get out of there and do something else. Anything to keep my mind off the fact that the man I loved most in this world actually loved me back but we couldn't be together for so many reasons.  
Later that day, The extra guardians came. Some of them were just extra security around the school, but I was surprised to find out that one of them was assigned to me, specifically. I wasn't a moroi for god's sake! I was almost a guardian myself! I didn't need anyone to keep me safe! I thought I proved as much. But apparently, Alberta didn't think so, and I couldn't blame her.

The guardian assigned to me was named Thomas. He was only two years older than me, which means he had around one year of experience in being a guardian. Oh well. Even though I was still upset about everything that happened with Dimitri, I couldn't help but notice how great he looked. He had light brown eyes and light brown hair, that complimented his other features perfectly. A few freckles covered his nose, and long lashes framed his eyes. He had a solid build, even for a dhampir. The school has already told him why they needed him, but as we walked around the school and I told him myself, it seemed to have more impact.

"That's amazing!" He said. "When I was your age I barely could've taken down my classmates. I did though." I scoffed.

"When you were my age? When was that, yesterday?"

"Hey, I have more than a year of experience, and you shall not look down on me." He said it was such royalty and smugness that I couldn't help but laugh outright. He seemed to enjoy it and an amused smile lit his face. We kept talking, and I made sure to stay away from the woods near the wards. It was fun, and easy, unlike everything that's been going on lately. It felt nice talking to someone new, and I enjoyed every minute of it. When curfew came we said we should practice together once, just to see who wins. The thought of beating my own guardian in a battle made this situation seem ridiculous, but if Alberta assigned him to me, than there must be something special about him. I went to my room, and fell asleep immediately, to a deep and dreamless sleep.

The next few days were uneventful. Well, besides Tom's victory on our practice fight. I forgot sometimes how much I still have to learn until graduation. Not that it would've mattered, I realized. His fighting was so different than everything we've been taught. Almost dirty. It's like he got his skills fighting in the streets. Only he was too good for that. I wanted to learn from him because he seemed to offer to teach me things that I couldn't learn from my regular teachers. If Dimitri was hurt that I asked to do my night practices with Tom, he didn't show it. After what happened in the gym the other night, I thought it was good for us to have less practices together, and I knew he'd agree.

Practices with Dimitri became very strict, with almost no talking before and after. We both seemed to be constantly battling for self control. Which was why practices with Tom were so light and fun. It's like we never ran out of things to talk about. And he never ran out of things to teach me. On one practice with Dimitri, he finally said something beyond instructions and corrections.

"I don't trust him." There was no need to ask who he was talking about.

"Why not?" I asked. Could the great Dimitri be jealous?

"The guardian that was supposed to be assigned to you couldn't come here because of an emergency in the family he was protecting. They thought they could reduce to one guardian but turns out they couldn't. So they sent this guy as a replacement. The original one had at least ten years of experience and was replaced by one of the newest guardians available. When I said that to Alberta, she seemed to think it was no big deal."

"I'm with Alberta on this one. Besides, he fights better than you'd expect for someone his age." He was more mature too. Sometimes when I talked to him it felt like I was talking to someone twenty years older than me. He had a lot of wisdom behind that easy child-like behavior he always demonstrated.

"something doesn't seem right."

I had to ask this. "Are you sure this is about him and not about us?" I felt petty, but I really had no idea why else he would be suspicious of Tom.

"Yes." The answer was cold, almost hostile. I did not like that.

"Well, I do trust him. And we also get along so I'd really appreciate it if you don't push this any further."

"See? This is exactly what I'm talking about. Guardians aren't supposed to socialize, they're supposed to always be alert."

"I'm not a moroi." I answered. "I'm not helpless. He's here for backup."

"You have all the backup you need right here." I didn't know if he meant the rest of the guardians in the academy or himself, but it didn't matter.

"Well, this is the way things are right now, and you're gonna have to accept it." I didn't know if it was appropriate to say this to a teacher, but in this conversation, it was obvious I wasn't a student anymore. We left it at that, and that conversation stayed on my mind. Tom has never done anything to make me not trust him, but I also knew that Dimitri had sharp instincts and his gut feeling was usually right. I decided to talk to Tom. I wasn't gonna tell him what Dimitri said, of course, I was just going to try and get some information out of him, about his school, and about his last assignment, and see if anything would raise suspicion.

Nothing did. In fact, he opened up to me in a way that made me trust him even more. He talked to me like we've known each other for years, and shared very personal things about his childhood. Apparently, he had a difficult time growing up. He didn't want to elaborate too much, but I've heard enough to know that it was a miracle that out of those parents came someone as good as him. He had no siblings, and his father was a moroi who had left his mother. She worked hard to provide for them both, but she also had a drinking problem that would often turn her violent. As a teenager he quickly had enough strength to overpower her, but he couldn't. He wouldn't. She made him think that he had to take it, and suffer through it. She died when he was 14, and he was sent to the academy. That explained his fighting style. He did learn that on the streets, and the academy gave him the edge he needed to really become a guardian.

I felt really close to him after he revealed that. We kept talking and I wished I could tell him about what was really on my mind. But I couldn't tell him about Dimitri, or about Lissa, since both of those things were secrets, and the two people closest to me would get hurt if those secrets got out. We talked for hours that night, until a few minutes before curfew. Still, we were never alone. All that time, I realized, we were never alone. We always had other guardians around, even if they weren't aware of our presence. Our talk was far from over, but I had to get back to my room. So when he suggested so sneak in to my room later to continue, I could hardly refuse. I knew getting up the next morning would be difficult, but that was not a conversation to be left unfinished.

I walked to me room, and a few minutes later he come in too. I sat on the bed and motioned him to sit on the chair next to it. Then everything changed. The friendly face that he wore was gone, and was replaced by something hostile and anxious. He locked the door behind him, and then looked at me in a way I'll never forget. He observed every part of me, assessing me, like I was a piece of meat, his for the taking. I jumped up and stood against the wall, farthest from him as possible.

"Why are you locking the door?" I asked, desperately hoping that this was all a misunderstanding and he'd unlock it and we'd keep talking and everything will go back to normal. But he didn't. He kept looking at me like that, and I froze under his gaze. He couldn't want my blood, he was a dhampir. There was only one thing he could want from me. He slowly walked towards me, and I stayed alert on one hand, and unable to move on the other. All I had to do was snap out of it. That's all. I beat 6 dhampirs alone, I could surely beat him. But my body wouldn't listen. I was terrified. In shock. In shock that someone I trusted, someone I thought cared about me would be doing this to haven't I listened to Dimitri? He knew. That didn't matter anymore, nothing did. All that mattered was to stop what was going to happen to me. He stood only a few inches away from me. I was almost relieved when he produced a syringe and plunged it into my neck. Almost.


	3. Raymond

I woke up tied to a chair, in a dark room with no windows. A small lamp was the only source of flickering light, which was just enough for my eyes to see the rest of the room. Not that there was much to see. The room was empty aside from my chair, a table on which the lamp was put, and another chair. The events of last night started coming back to me. Or was it last night? I didn't know how long I've been out. I tried to get out of those ropes, which was as useless as me trying to think of an escape plan. I had nothing to go on. The only comfort I had was that if they wanted to kill me, they would've done it already. He, I corrected myself. Tom whom I trusted and opened up to. Dimitri was right. I should've listened to him. I'll remember that for next time.

Fear shot through the bond, immediately putting me in Lissa's mind. A little probing told me that when the school day started she didn't see me in any of our joined lessons, and the door to my room was locked. She knocked and I wasn't there. She went to Dimitri, who said he hadn't seen me since yesterday at practice. The guard that was in the entrance to my dorm last night said he saw me coming in, but the one from this morning said he never saw me coming out. He could forget me of course, since every single person in my dorm passed by him. When Dimitri asked about Tom and got the same answers, Lissa realized something was wrong. Dimitri's first thought was that I was with Tom and skipping school after a night of.. God knows what. Lissa insisted that they had to get inside, so Dimitri got a master key and opened the door. They didn't see me, but they did see and open window and tracks. That's when I entered her head. She and Dimitri started following the tracks, which led outside the wards (not through the gate of course) and through the woods to the nearest road, and the tracks stopped there. There was always the option that I ran away again, but Lissa said I'd never leave without taking her, or at least letting her know. She was right about that. I'd never abandon her like that.

"So what do you think happened?" Dimitri asked. his fear was visible on his face, and I was sure his headed pounded with the endless possibilities of awful things that could be happening to me right now. With Lissa I didn't have to guess. She was terrified for me, her mind racing with possible explanation as to why someone would kidnap me. She didn't answer the question, and he didn't need her to.

"We have to find her," She said. She was going to explain the urgency of the matter, as if it wasn't already clear, like she would a regular teacher. If this were Alberta or Kirova, or even Christian, she would've explained how I'm her best friend and they have to find me, and all sorts of things like that. Things that didn't contribute to finding me whatsoever, but she felt needed to be said. But one look at his face, told her that she didn't have to. He knew exactly how she feels because he felt that way too. Looking at his panicked face through her eyes was startling. He's always been invincible. He always had a plan, he always did whatever it takes, and got what he wanted. Now he was lost. There was nothing he could do. He looked miserable.

Her realizing we were together, that's what she thought at that moment, frightened me a little bit. Not it was anything to worry about in this situation but if we were to get out of it, she'd be pissed I didn't tell her, or worse, she could tell someone in hopes that it would help. She'd do anything to find me. Well, there was nothing I could do about it. A door slamming shut brought me back to my body. The moroi that I saw on the attack in St. Vladimir was standing in front of me. In the dim light I could barely make out his features, but it was him, I was sure of it.

"What do you want?" I gave him the most defiant look I could manage. He smiled.

"I want you to tell me about Vasilisa Dragomir." Lissa? He wanted information about her? Why not just kidnap her? As if reading my mind, he answered my question. "I'm not gonna risk kidnapping a princess and having the whole moroi court at my back for a hunch." A hunch? So he didn't know about her? "I know there's something special about her. I've read the accident's report and something doesn't make sense. And also, Her own uncle kidnapped her. So tell me, what is it that's so special about her?"

I couldn't tell him. I had to make him think there was nothing special about her. "Her own uncle kidnapped her because he's a sadistic bastard," I said. "He's a monster and they had a few family issues to sort out. She's of no interest to you. Is that the reason you went through all of this?" I asked. Something still seemed a little off.

"I'm gonna ask you again, and I hope for your sake that you'll answer right. What is so special about Vasilisa Dragomir?"

"Nothing." I could barely contain the hatred I felt that moment. Or couldn't, apparently, because he laughed outright.

"Well, you wanted to know the reason you're here? Raymond, come in here." I didn't know any Raymond.

Even in the poor lighting, I could tell that I didn't know the man who came in. He was a tall and solidly built dhampir, with dark hair and eyes. He smiled one of the most vicious smiles I've ever seen when he saw me.

"So this is her? Rosemarie Hathaway? He has good taste, I'll give him that."

"Who does?" I asked.

"Dimitri," he said, like it was the most obvious thing on the world.

"What do you want from him?" I asked, my voice getting an edge I didn't know existed. If anyone wanted him, they'd have to go through me. Nonetheless, I realized that my last words were a mistake.

"It IS her," he said, then a smug smile covered his face, one that was replaced with a frown. "He Killed the woman I loved. She was an innocent, she had never hurt him or anyone else. And he murdered her in cold blood. So basically, I want revenge." He said it as if kidnapping me was the most casual thing he did in his life. As if it were no big deal.

Wait, Dimitri? Killed an innocent woman in cold blood? No way. He'd never do that. The rational part of me had to remind me that I didn't know him for very long, and I knew very little about his past. Theoretically, he could be a mass murderer for all I knew. But practically, it was Dimitri, so, obviously, this was a lie. Right? My mind came back to the situation at hand. I laughed. It seemed like the smart thing to do. That caught him by surprise, and I used my advantage to push my idea forward.

"Dimitri Belikov?! He doesn't give a damn about me. I was kidnapped in Spokane and all he said was that I should've been a better guardian and not let it happen on the first place." That was a complete lie, of course, but I was a good liar. "When I was attacked he was annoyed because I disturbed his lunch. When he realizes I was kidnapped all he's gonna do is laugh at my incompetence and inability to protect myself." I had a hard time imagining Dimitri that way, but I had to sell it.

Raymond smiled. If I didn't know any better, I'd say appreciation showed on his face. "Dimitri would never have treated anyone this way. Even if he didn't love you."  
That was true. I overplayed my hand. And with that, the conversation ended and the torturing started. The moroi leader, who's name I still didn't know, kept asking me the same questions about Lissa. I didn't break and they kept torturing me. Raymond didn't seem to enjoy it so much. It seemed like a task he needed to fulfill. But still, he showed no mercy. They didn't have a moroi who specialized in air, but there was always the good old fashioned way of shoving my head in a bucket of water. They managed to cause me pain in places I never knew could feel pain. But I didn't break. At the end of an awfully painful and exhausting day, they left, and Tom came in. There was pain in his eyes that reflected how miserable I must've looked. He kneeled in front me and moved stray hair out of me face. His touch was gentle, much more so than I expected. What was this? Good cop bad cop?

"I'm so sorry," he said. If I didn't know better, I'd say he sounded sincere.

"Is this the part where you convince me it's for my own good to give up and tell you her secret?" I was too exhausted to play games.

"This is the part," he said, "where I tell you that I'm not gonna let them hurt you." His eyes radiated determination and protectiveness. His mind was so focused on this that he didn't see the irony of what he was telling me.

"So being tied up and tortured isn't being hurt?" I asked, keeping my voice as innocent and vulnerable as possible.

"I'm sorry," he said again. "If I could get you out of here I would."

"Why?" I asked. I needed to know what was standing behind his words. "Everything you told me has been a lie. You obviously don't care about me, considering the fact that you kidnapped me. What are you trying to do? Do you think you can make me trust you again?" I hoped that saying that would trigger some reaction in him, anything that would give me some insight about his motives.

"I got in way over my head in things that I didn't understand. I never wanted to do anything bad to you."

"Then why did you? Did they threaten you?"

"It doesn't matter." He seemed to want to add something but stopped himself. I waited a couple seconds to let h finish the thought, and when he didn't I tried a different approach.

"Please, please get me out of here. The academy will keep you safe, I'll make sure of it." My voice was breaking, and I did everything I could to squeeze out a tear. I was not in the mood for crying. I didn't break, and I wasn't going to. But I had to look vulnerable to him. He looked down, true sorrow displaying on his face.

"I'm sorry," he said for the third time. I didn't see the problem with getting me out of here if he really were sorry. I lost any chance I had to try anything else when he left the room. I used the downtime to think of an escape, and when yet again I came to the conclusion that it was useless, I checked up on Lissa.

She was going crazy with worry over me. A memory of hers practically shoved it's way into my consciousness. She, Dimitri, Christian, Kirova, Alberta and a few other guards tried to think for ways to find me. My mother had been notified by now and was on her way to the academy. Then Lissa started choking. She held her throat and coughed frantically, much like I had when Victor Dashkov had tortured her. So, the bond wasn't only one way, I realized. Not in such extreme situations. I doubted she could locate me, but at least they knew I was alive. They didn't see it this way. Christian panicked, and tried hopelessly to help her. Hopelessly because nothing was really chocking her. She stopped for gasps and her mind went to mine. That was the weirdest thing I've ever experienced. By far. Being inside her mind when she's in mine. Or at least, when she remembers being in mine. It was very brief, a few seconds at most, but it was enough. "They're torturing her for information," She said.

"Who? Rose?" Asked Alberta. The thing that seemed to surprise her the most was that I had information that others wanted.

"Were you in her head?" Asked Christian, his face a perfect demonstration of worry and relief. At least nothing was wrong with her. She nodded.

"Can you tell us where she is?" Asked Dimitri, ever practical. Even though he had to keep a straight face for everyone else in the room, I saw through Lissa's eyes how his sparkled with hope. Hope that turned into desperation when she answered.

"No. It was only for a few seconds". For the next hour or so she tried to get in my head again, but she couldn't. They even called Adrian for help but there was nothing he could do. He may be a spirit user but our bond was beyond his knowledge. So she sat in her room, wrapped in Christian comforting embrace, waiting for the next time something happens to me. I felt intrusive, seeing such an intimate moment between them, so I came back to my own body. The reality that I faced wasn't any different than before, but exhaustion suddenly took over me, and without much resistance from my mind, I fell asleep immediately.


	4. A Little Push

The next few days were pretty much the same. They tortured me plenty, but I didn't break. I didn't even come close. They vastly underestimated my loyalty to Lissa, and how much I'd sacrifice for her. Once in a while Tom would enter. He'd bring me food, and made sure to make up some creative excuse for them to stop torturing me when it became too much. Every time he came I tried to get some information out of him. I was sure that he was my key out of there, I just had to learn how to use it. But he never gave up too much. I was thankful for these little interruptions, but not once have I forgotten who he was, and that everything that was happening was actually his fault. And mine, but blaming myself would've done me no good in that situation. Whenever I entered Lissa's mind, it was pretty much the same. They found more dead end leads than I could count, and everyone was getting desperate. Lissa kept assuring them that I was alive, and that seemed to be all they needed to keep going.

By that point, even my kidnappers were getting desperate. Raymond was always pushing to just kill me, but the moroi leader wouldn't. Not until they got all the information they wanted. The day was quiet, and it took a long time until someone came in. When Raymond did, I braced myself for another day of torture. Nothing I couldn't handle. But something was weird that day. Different. He came inside holding a cell phone in his hands. When he saw I was awake he /"Good" He said, "You're up. I want to explain to you why I'm doing what I'm about to do". That bothered me since I first saw him. Even then he wanted to explain to me why he wanted to torture me. But he didn't have to. I was his captive, I was in no place to ask for an explanation. But he seemed to want to justify his actions. I guess, in his twisted way of thinking, he was the good guy there, avenging an innocent woman's death, and I was a casualty. Maybe I could use that to my advantage. I sure as hell was going to try.

"You see," he continued, "everything we've been doing is not enough. Not for me. He's not suffering enough. For him to suffer, he has to see you with his own eyes." So that's what the phone was for.

"If you do this you're just as bad as he is." I didn't really know what THIS was, but it wasn't good

Again, that need to justify his actions took over. "I wasn't the one who started this, Dimitri did. He should've known I'd get to you. Your blood is on his hands, not mine." It's amazing how far a lie can go when we actually believe it. It's amazing how we can twist our own values and morale to see something the way we want to. It's amazing how our brain can shut out the reality and common sense to enable us to heed our most primal needs.

"No. It's on your hands. He did everything he could to keep me out of danger." I just realized another reason Dimitri couldn't be with me. One that he couldn't tell me about, obviously. I wondered what would have happened if Raymond didn't exist. Would we be together? None of that mattered right then.

"You have no idea what you're talking about." I was going to answer that, but then he opened his phone and dialed a number. I saw him looking at the phone, and not putting it his ear so this must've been a video call. And sure enough, I heard Dimitri's voice coming out of the device. Didn't Raymond know that people can track this sort of calls? I guess not, and I really hoped that Dimitri would think about it.

"I should've known it was you." Dimitri said, using a voice I'd never heard before. I'd be terrified if it were directed at me. But Raymond didn't seem to feel this way.

"You knew revenge would come. And now it has." He turned the phone to me, and in a little square at the corner I saw my reflection. I looked worse than I had after the fight. My hair was a mess, my face covered with dried blood, my body slumping and exhausted. I tried to sit up straight but my body's protests left me exactly as I was. Seeing me, the anger and hatred that displayed on Dimitri face turned into pity and pain. I couldn't imagine how much it hurt him to see me like this.

"I'm fine," I managed to say, and gave him a quick smile. "It's not as bad as it looks." It was much worse, actually. But I had this urgent need to make him think I was okay. To do anything to make him feel better. How I could think about his feelings and not what Raymond was about to do was beyond me.

Raymond turned the phone back to himself. "She's lying. It's exactly as bad as it looks."

"It's me you want, Raymond." Again, that cold terrifying voice of his. "Let her go, take your anger out on me. She's an innocent, she has nothing to do with this."

"So was Veronica!" He said. It was obvious then, he was grieving. Even though what ever happened with them happened so long ago, it was obvious he still thought about her every day. He must have thought of her every time he tortured me, to try and ease his own conscious. "Besides," he continued, "This is causing you way more damage than I alone ever could. You'd rather be dead than have her here at my mercy."

"There must be something else you want. Tell me what it is, I'll get it." He was trying to buy time, I realized. It was obvious Raymond wouldn't trade me for anything in the world, including Dimitri himself. This gave me hope, and I tried my own tactic.

"Whoever this Veronica was," I started, "She wouldn't want to see me treated like this. She'd be so disappointed in you for doing this." I had to assume she was a decent human being.

He slapped me hard, and I heard a thump from the other side of the phone call. "Don't you dare even say her name.." He said, in a small voice that conveyed more terror than a thousand screams would. "You didn't know her and you have no idea what she'd want."

"I did" Dimitri said, following my lead, "and she was good, She'd never let you do this, ever."

He was quiet for a few moments. Both Dimitri and I waited to see the effects of this.

"I'm going to hurt you in the worst way possible. I'm gonna do to you the thing I was most afraid of. Do you remember what that is?" His voice and face became crazy. There was no other word for it. Insane. Out of control. His words were directed at Dimitri but his eyes looked at me. I suddenly realized what it is that he was about to do, and the fear from my room in the academy came back. But he wasn't there to kidnap me, he was actually going to do it. I never took my eyes off him. He put the phone on the table, with the camera facing me. I heard Dimitri yell stuff at the background, probably something like "Don't touch her" and things like that. It didn't matter. I couldn't be in shock. I couldn't let him do that to me. But I had no way to escape. I was weak from beatings, hunger and exhaustion, and not to mention tied up. I realized that I couldn't get out of there. I felt tears forming in my eyes, and before I knew it, I was crying, begging for his mercy.

"Please, please don't do this. I'll do anything." This wasn't like manipulating Tom. I was actually begging. This seemed to shake something in him.

"I'm sorry, but that's his fault." he pointed at the phone. I realized that not only was this about to happen, but everyone was going to see it. I couldn't let that happen.

"At least turn the camera off. It's humiliating, I don't want them to see me like this." I was beyond any sort of lies and manipulation. And he knew it.

"But that would defeat the whole point of this. He needs to see this. He needs to suffer." I looked down, trying to think of other things to say to him, but it was hopeless. Dimitri kept yelling things but that was pointless. It was only Raymond and me. I looked at him, letting my eyes convey what my mouth couldn't. He looked away.

"Tom!" I screamed, in a voice I never knew I had. I had even surprised myself. I sure as hell surprised Raymond, because his hand was on my mouth in seconds.

"You idiot!", he said, and I looked straight at him. He tried to think about what to do, but it was too late. Tom came in, and quickly realized what was going on. The first thing he did, was throw the phone on the floor, smashing it to pieces. He, unlike Raymond, managed to think clearly and realize this could get them caught. Then, he grabbed Raymond and pinned him to the wall.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" He yelled, fury radiating from every part of him. That question didn't need to be answered, and they started fighting. Tom overpowered Raymond, and with amazing speed he kneeled before me again, cupping my face with his hands, wiping tears away.

"Please get me out of here, I'm begging you." I sobbed. "Don't you see? I'm not safe here!" I could see the battle playing in his mind. He couldn't betray his.. Whatever they were to him. But after what he'd just seen, he couldn't just leave me here. All he needed was a little push. A small shove to push him over the edge and make him free me. Before I had the chance to think the better of it, I kissed him. It wasn't love, not on my end. I was not going to fall in love with the man who kidnapped me, even though he did just save me. And not to mention Dimitri who was, well, Dimitri.

"But on his end it was love, no doubt about it. He cared about me a lot. I could sense it. I broke away and looked at him thankfully, and I didn't have to fake it. And that was all the push he needed. He tore up the ropes and helped me get up, then I leaned on him while we escaped. "Escaped" was a big word, actually. We left through the main door, And with Raymond incapacitated, Tom only had to overpower two guards. It was like a game to him. He helped me to a car, and the most frustrating thought came to my mind. In all the craziness I forgot that the academy must be coming here, and I was escaping. All I had to do was wait just a little and they'd come. But I didn't want to. I'd rather spend a year being Tom's captive than one more minute as Raymond's. I knew it might not be the smartest thing to do, but I couldn't stay there. I simply couldn't. They'd have to find me some other way.

"Tom started driving, far and away. He had no specific goal in mind, just out of there. I knew it won't be long until Raymond woke up. We had to put a lot of distance between us and him by then. I let my head tilt sideways and looked at Tom. He glanced at me and at the road alternately.

""Thank you," I said. He squeezed my hand and then then gazed ahead at the road, both hands on the wheel. "Where are we going?"

""Far," He said. He had no plan. All I had to do was make sure he wouldn't think about changing the car. The academy would reach us. I just had to survive until then.

"Let's find a hotel and rest," I said. "I want to be able to help you if we need to fight anyone." That much was true. I was not going back to Raymond.

"Sleep now if you want. But they're not gonna find us, I'll make sure of it." Sleep? And let him take me where he wants? No thanks.

"What's the plan?"

"I don't know."

"Let's go back to the academy." Before he could object I added: "They won't hurt you, I promise."

"I'm not going to jail, Rose."

"You won't.. I'll make sure that..-"

"I'm not going to jail, Rose!" He interrupted me, this time more fiercely. "We're not going back to the academy. I'll figure something out." I saw that there was no point in pushing that forward. I pretended to go to sleep while I checked on Lissa.

By that time they were already in the place where I was held. They caught everyone but the leader and Raymond, and were disappointed not to have found me. They would question the ones the caught and would do whatever it took to find me. All I had to do was stay out of the way.


	5. On the Way

We were sitting quietly in the car, driving farther and farther away, for an hour or so, until i decided to break the silence. I was trapped in a car with nothing to do, I might as well have gotten some information out of him.

"So was it all a lie?" No easy small-talk there. I went straight to business.

"No," He said. "I didn't lie to you. Everything I told you was real." I didn't expect that. I expected something like :"yeah, what did you think?" and then I'd try and figure out the truth myself. I didn't think I've known it all along. "But you're one to talk about lying," he continued, catching me off guard. "You said there was nothing going on with you and Dimitri."

There were a few ways I could play that. One would be denying any relationship with Dimitri whatsoever. But he already knew something was up and I needed him to trust me. Saying something like that will only make him think I'm lying. I wanted him to think I was on his side completely. I could admit to the truth, but that would put both Dimitri and me in trouble. Besides, I had a feeling that telling a guy who's in love with me and also kidnapped me that I loved someone else wasn't a great idea. So I chose a third option.

"He's in love with me, he'd told me that a couple of times, but I kept telling him I wasn't interested." That lie kept Nathan's story in check and also left me available. Plus, if he were to say that in interrogations, it would raise some suspicions, but technically, no rules were broken. I saw a small smile creeping up his lips, than vanishing in a blink of an eye.

"And what about that kiss? What that real?" He asked. Like me, no going around the topic. Straight to business.

"What do you think?" I said, with a small smile. I wanted to avoid an outright lie like that if I could. Besides, if I really were in love with him, I wouldn't just admit it. Not like that. I wanted to stay away from that topic, So I suggested what must seem like the most ridiculous thing in the world, considering. "Wanna play a car game?" I think we played every game possible, making hours of driving fly by. We stopped for food on the way and I ditched any effort to be feminine in my eating. He laughed at that, and I ignored him for the sweet taste of food. Any food. I was starving. When I finished eating, I took a good look at him, and saw he was exhausted. Not knowing if it was the driving or playing mind games with me, I suggested yet again that we stop to rest. This time he didn't argue and he took the next exit.

We found a hotel near by and got a room, then went upstairs. Suddenly the only thing in the world that seemed to matter was the shower. I was dirty and I reeked of blood, sauce, sweat and more great things. But I didn't have any spare clothes. My underwear had to do and Tom lent me a spare shirt and pants that were in his car. My first thought as I entered the bathroom was to escape, but from the 8th floor that was kind of a problem. I didn't have enough clothing to get me to the ground, I barely had enough to get to the 6th floor. And even that would include the risk of falling. I decided against trying to climb out, and with no other escape routes, I actually did take the shower.

Washing the blood off, the memories of the last couple of days came rushing back. I found myself sobbing under the steady stream of hot water. I couldn't break, I knew it. The worst was behind me. I just had to wait. Dimitri would come. Everything would be okay. I just needed to last a little longer. A quick check in with Lissa proved me right. They already got the brand of Tom's car from one of the people they've captured, then scanned nearby security cameras for the license plate, and were waiting for results. Once they found it, it'd take them a couple hours to drive to the hotel, like it took us. It was late afternoon, which meant they'd come in the middle of the night. All I had to do was act natural, so Tom wouldn't suspect anything and want to switch hotels. Or maybe ditch the car. If he did that... There was no point in thinking about that. I just had to make sure we stay here. I washed my face, put on my best smile, got dressed, and got out. His clothes were very large on me, which made me feel like a little girl. The look was amusing, apparently, because when Tom saw me he flashed me a wide grin.

"I should take you shopping more often," he joked. "My clothes look better on you." He was laying on the bed, watching nothing in particular on TV.

I lay beside him and took the remote from his hand. I pushed away the small part of me that objected to how easily I felt comfortable with him. I just realized it had to be done. It was just to distract him. "It's not the clothes, it's me. I can pull off anything." I switched through channels, and finding nothing worth watching, I handed it back to him.

"There's nothing good on," I told him, and reached for the phone. "I'm gonna order..-" He grabbed my hand and pulled me back.

"I can't let you use that." He said, hostility back on his face. I looked at him with as much innocence as I could muster.

"I was just going to order room service." The bad part was that it was true. The thought of calling for help never crossed my mind. But it was only because doing that would make us change hotels. I trusted that my subconscious was responsible for that and let it go.

He unplugged the phone. There goes the trust I thought I earned. I sat up straight and looked at him, trying to look insulted. "Don't you trust me by now? I'm not gonna turn us in."

He looked at me in that way of his. Always trying to figure out if I'm lying or not. Always trying to keep his guard up. I recognized that battle for control. Only his loss of control was different than the one I'd known. "I can't take that risk," he finally said, letting do of my hand.

With the light and fun atmosphere we had before already ruined, I figured it was harmless to spoil it a little further. "Why did you do it?" I asked. "Why did you kidnap me?"

"I needed a lot of money," he said. "To pay off some debt that I couldn't leave unpaid." I recognized the look on his face, then one he had when he was revealing something personal. When he was opening up. "They said they just needed me to deliver something, that's all. By the time I realized I had to kidnap a student from the academy I was in way too deep to back down."

"When were you supposed to get your money?"

"I did, the minute I brought you there."

"Then why did you stay?"

"I wanted to see that you were safe. And when I saw that you weren't.. I couldn't bring myself to leave, but I also couldn't break you out. Not until he crossed the line."

"Why? If they already gave you your money, why not break me out?"

"He has friends everywhere. Raymond. How was I supposed to protect you from him?"

There was something so vulnerable in him, at that moment, That I almost wanted to hug him. He seemed so helpless and lost, stuck between two horrible options. I turned to him, and looked him straight in the eyes. I used the most gentle voice I could. "In the academy I'll be safe, we'll both be."

"Come on, Rose. They're gonna put me in jail without thinking twice. And I can't afford that. We'll just have to think of something else." There was no convincing him. I thought I'd better keep doing what I did before, try to stall until the guardians come.

"Thank you for not leaving me there. I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't been there." The words slipped out before I could think them through. Saying things like that could be an opening for him to bring up.. Well us. Me and him. He could ask what he's been dying to ask for a long time now. But thankfully, he didn't. He put his arm around me, and I forced myself not to flinch. I slowly let my head rest on his chest. I refused to be comforted by him, while at the same time I had to make it seem like I sought his comfort. Like I needed it. I had to look as if I just realized I'm never going back to my old life. As if I had no hope. We sat there in silence, which gave me time to think. I thought he actually loved me. In his own twisted way. This wasn't some ego trip I had to serve, and it definitely wasn't a tactic to keep me in check. He really did care. I didn't know what to think of that. I couldn't possibly consider letting him off the hook. I couldn't trust him. I couldn't take comfort in his embrace. Just a little longer, I thought. Just until Dimitri comes.

I faked being asleep, and when Tom was sure that I was out, he closed his eyes as well. I wanted to go to Lissa, but she and Christian were.. In the middle of something. A little probing told me that the guardians found the car we were driving in and set off in our direction. That's all I needed. A little resentment started to boil in me, but it soon faded. I couldn't expect her to stop everything in her life because I was kidnapped, and frankly, I wanted her to take comfort in whatever she could. I wanted her to make this as easy on herself as possible. I didn't want her to suffer like I did.

So I went back to my own body, not daring to move, so as not to wake him up. I lay there in silence, acutely aware of how slow time was passing. I decided to go over what I'd do once I'm safe. My mind automatically went to Dimitri. He still didn't know that Tom saved my from Raymond in time. I had to assure him that I was okay. Then I'd tell the guardians everything that happened and let them find and kill the nameless moroi that was leading this. And if Raymond dared show his head around the academy, I'd make him pay for everything he'd done.

All of this had happened because I froze. I panicked. I had to ask Dimitri to teach me how to stop that. How to not freeze. How to act. Because apparently, the academy didn't prepare us for everything. Or maybe they covered that part in the two years that I missed. Time went by, and my thoughts always came back to Dimitri. Picturing our reunion. In my head, as unrealistic as it was, we were alone, and I could just run to him, let him hold me and make all me fears go away. And he'd wipe the tears away, and call me Roza in that way of his that made me feel warm and safe. Maybe I'd even kiss him. Maybe I'd wait until my eyes weren't puffy and red with tears, so when he looked at me he'd my strength, not my weakness.

A startling thought came to my mind. He must think I'm so weak. To have been overpowered by one dhampir, not even a guardian. I was suddenly afraid from his reaction. I couldn't bare the thought of him thinking that I was weak. As bad thoughts slowly replaced the good ones, I found myself looking for something, anything to think about. I was exhausted and it was so hard not to fall asleep, but I forced myself to stay awake. I had to be ready when they came. Somehow, time went by. Before I noticed the sky was completely dark, and the moon hung up high.

I heard quiet but heavy steps coming from the hall, and I knew this was it, they were coming. Unfortunately, Tom heard them too. He looked around frantically, And I saw what it was that he was looking for. A knife. I leaped towards it, but he was faster than me, and the knife was closer to him. He turned me so I was with my back to him, held my arm with one of his hands and held the knife to my throat with the other. He managed to whisper in my ear just before the guardians came inside. "Don't worry, I won't hurt you." They busted the door, and it opened wide.


	6. Rescue

Dimitri walked in, accompanied by Alberta and some more guardians. Relief washed over his face when he saw me, and he came to a halt. Most of the guardians took out stakes. That was the weapon we mastered. Some took guns. They must've realized that since there were no strigoi involved, a gun might actually be useful. I knew what Tom was thinking. He tried to think of a way out of this.

"Stay away," He warned, "Or I will kill her." Dimitri motioned everyone back, and even though Alberta seemed to be leading this operation, she followed his lead.

"Let her go," Dimitri said, not realizing Tom would never hurt me. "No one has to get hurt."

The room was silent for a moment. Tom must've considered letting me go and letting the guardians arrest him. He probably dismissed that thought because I saw him surveying the broad window, which was the only thing that separated us and the 8 story fall we had until we reached the ground.

"Don't," I said. "We won't make it." The use of the word "we" seemed to startle some of the guardians, and so as my calmness. Relative calmness, that is. He surveyed the room for an escape plan, and I used the distraction to break out of his grip and the knife's threat. Tom, in trying to maintain his position, took a misstep and fell backwards. The window broke, and he fell down.

Instinctively, I reacted. I leaped towards him, my knees falling hard on the floor. My stomach was scratched from the broken glass it was leaning against, and my upper body was hanging outside the window. I managed to catch Tom's hand in mine. I used my other hand to steady myself, letting the sharp glass cut into my skin. It took every bit of strength I had not to fall with him. Luckily, Dimitri quickly came and steadied me. Unluckily, he tried to pull me away, but I wouldn't let him. I pushed him back, again, struggling to stay on the right side of the broken glass.

"Let go!" I heard Tom say, and I looked at him. "I told you, I'm not going to jail!"

He'd rather die than go to jail? Well that was too bad, because that wasn't an option. "You won't," I said, when tears started streaming down my face. After I pushed Dimitri back, he and the guardians didn't know what to do. They just stood there, waiting to see what would happen, ready for anything. "I promise, I won't let you. Just come back up."

He used his legs, and I used the full weight of my body, and together we managed to pull him up. We both sat up, and I cupped his face with my uninjured hand.  
"You said you'd keep me safe right? And I trusted you and you did. Trust me, and I'll keep you safe, I promise. I won't let them put you in jail." He nodded. He looked so miserable, so lost. Like a child desperately seeking protection. I meant every word I said. He would not go to jail. He may have kidnapped me, but he also saved me. There were so many easy solutions for him to end this but he chose the hard one, which was keeping me alive and safe. And he didn't have much choice. He said himself that he knew too much to back down and I believed him. I believed that he wouldn't have done this if he had a choice.

"But now," I continued, "you have to let them take you. Okay?" he nodded again. The guardians cuffed him and took him away, and I watched as they did.  
Then I looked at Dimitri, and all the restraint I had just melted away. I was finally safe. I didn't have to be strong anymore. I ran into his arms, tears streaming down my cheeks. I wrapped my arms around his neck, not caring who was there to see it. He wrapped his around my back, protectively shielding me from anything that might take me away from him. He whispered softly in my ear.

"You're okay now Roza, I'm here, you're safe." I fell to my knees and he sat down with me. I was cradled in his arms, still sobbing, still holding onto him like I'd never let go. I never wanted to. He brushed his fingers through my hair, and ran them along my cheek. He was warm and soft and perfect. Everyone else in the room seemed to realize this was sensitive and left the room. Words couldn't describe what I felt. I was overjoyed with seeing him, knowing that he'd keep me safe. The realization that I was about to go home kicked in and I was so grateful. But all the feelings I didn't let myself feel all that time surfaced too. All the fear, and terror and sadness. I let his touch drown everything else, melting into his arms. He kissed the top of my head.

"Come on," he said softly, almost a whisper, "Let's go home." I shook my head and held him tighter. I wasn't ready to let him go. I wasn't ready to go back and face everything. I just wanted to stay in that moment. I didn't want it to end. He lifted my head slightly so I'd look at him and said "Everything's okay now. I promise."

I nodded and let him help me up. When we got to the garage I saw that the rest of guardians had left, with Tom. He helped me to the car, and I was suddenly very cold. "It's the trauma," he said, as he took off his coat and gave it to me. He started driving, and feeling truly safe for the first time since I was kidnapped, I let myself sleep.

Dimitri woke me up when we got back to the academy. He opened the door for me and helped me steady myself as I tried to stand. I was exhausted and my whole body ached. With his help, I managed to walk to the front gate, where everyone was waiting for me. It warmed my heart to see all the people I loved gathered to welcome me back. I felt relief through the bond as Lissa saw I was okay. Relatively okay. As I stepped through the gate she ran to me, and wrapped her arms around me. I nearly fell from the impact but steadied myself, and let her sob onto my shoulder.

"I missed you so much," she said. "I was so worried something bad was happening to you". I could feel her love for me as strongly as if I felt it myself, which I did of course, towards her. I was so thankful that she was okay. That I didn't break and tell them about her. All this time I've been tortured and beaten was worth it to see her well and safe.

"I'm alright," I assured her.

She gave me one last squeeze before letting go, and, to my surprise, my mom stepped forward. Our relationship has improved after everything that happened in Spokane but I didn't know what to expect from her. She hugged me, tighter than she probably had in her life.

"You have to stop getting kidnapped," she said. But it wasn't criticism, or chastisement. She was relieved to see that I was back, and she actually made a joke. First Dimitri then her, I was rubbing off on everyone. Maybe in this case though, I got it from her. Who knew? Maybe I AM her daughter. In the full sense of the word.

Next came Adrian, and his embrace was gentle and sweet, almost afraid to break me if he pushed too hard.  
"Thank god you're back, little dhampir. You were driving me mad with worry, and I'm kind of mad already."

That made me laugh. "How's my aura?" I asked, half joking half nostalgic. He took one look at it and his whole face changed.

"Blacker than I've ever seen it," He said.

"I'll be fine. It'll be back to it's usual, slightly less black state in no time." He didn't seem to find that amusing. He gave me one last look, full of affection and worry, and took a step back. Could his constant flirtation be more than just that? Well, even if it was, that was a story for another day.

Christian came next. He meant to give me a short, slight hug but I held him longer than that.

"Thank you," I said. "I took so much comfort in knowing someone was here for her when I wasn't. That someone was comforting her. It gave me strength." I meant every word. I was so thankful for him being in her life in general, and even more so now. Something about him was so steady and reliable. Unlike my other relationships, with Dimitri and our ups and downs, and Lissa and all the drama that came with bond, Christian and his snarky comments and our constant frenemies state was comforting and calming. He nodded in recognition and stepped back. He was not one for a heartfelt welcoming. I knew that he was glad to see me, and even more glad to see Lissa so happy. That last one made both of us.

When my welcome was over I talked to the guardians. Dimitri said I should rest first but I wanted to get it over with. I asked to talk privately with Alberta and have her tell the story to whomever needed to hear it. I felt more comfortable sharing the gory details with a woman, and not a room full of men. She tried to block any emotion from her face as she listened, but the part with Raymond got the better of her. Her face was full of pity and empathy, and I continued with the story to brush it off. I did not like being pitied.

I left out the part about Raymond's motivation. I said he was just a crazy person. That didn't fit quite well, but I just told them that's all I knew. As for Tom, I said they threatened him and forced him to do what he did, and hoped to god he would say the same. I meant to keep my promise to him. He would not go to jail. And just as I hoped, he must've known what to say, because when I left Alberta's room I saw him, out of handcuffs and waiting for me. His eyes lit up when he saw me and he walked towards me. When we met he wrapped his arms around me, and that embrace was full of gratitude and affection. And so was mine. I was so happy to see him free. We stayed like that for a couple of seconds, then he pulled away.

"Thank you," He said, and I knew it came from the bottom of his heart.

"Of course," I said. "I promised you I'd keep you out of jail." I wanted him to take it for granted. I wanted it to be obvious to him that I'd always keep my word and do whatever it takes to help him.

After that I went to my room, where Lissa was waiting for me. She healed me, and for once, I didn't object. I needed her healing, my body yearned for it. When I felt better I immediately pulled some darkness away from her into my own, apparently black, soul. That eased my guilt about letting her heal me a little bit. Even though I needed it, it still didn't feel very good. Then I went to the infirmary and, surprise surprise, Dr. Ozelensky said I was good as new. If she suspected anything unnatural, she never said as much. Lissa left a few blue marks here and there, just to make it believable.

I left the problem of Raymond and the nameless moroi to the guardians and the court. If he ever came for Lissa, I'd be there to protect her. And if not, then it wasn't my problem anymore. It was over. Or so I thought.


	7. Don't

They said I should go back to the way things were. The sooner I did, the easier it would be for me to get over the trauma. What did they even know about my trauma? I didn't object though, and the next day I had a practice with Dimitri. At the end of it, he said something that really surprised me.

"I don't get why you did it," He said, as we were both sitting down after a long, exhausting practice fight.

"Did what?" I asked, as I gulped water as if I'd been in the dessert for a week.

"Help Tom. He kidnapped you, he should be in jail."

"He also saved me," I said defiantly. I knew he'd object to my helping Tom, and I was ready for that argument.

"What? What are you talking about?" he asked. That, I did not expect. I was sure that he knew.

"Didn't Alberta tell you? I asked her to tell all the guardians that needed to know." I assumed Dimitri would be one of them.

"She only told a handful of people, only those working on the case. She did offer to tell me, but I said I wanted to hear it from you."

He didn't know. All this time, ever since that call from Raymond, he didn't know. When I thought about what I'd do when I'd be back, the first thing I wanted to do was tell him. When that proved too hard, I talked to Alberta and assumed she'd let him know.

I told him everything, and didn't exclude any details. He listened, perfectly silent, until I was finished. When I talked to Alberta, I kept sticking to the details, logistics and motives, and kept it as matter-of-fact as I possibly could. I tried to avoid any emotion whatsoever. With Dimitri, the focus was on me, and how I felt. I told him everything that happened to me, from my point of view, not the one needed to conduct an investigation. I was in tears at the end, not knowing exactly when they started streaming down my cheeks.

I also noticed that I'd been holding his hand, so hard that when I let go it took a few seconds for the blood to return. I wiped my tears away on my sleeves and looked down. My fear from his reaction returned. Would he think I'm weak? Would he think I risked Lissa's life by being stupid and naive, and that this was all my fault? I knew he cared about me but what I did was still questionable, and he was still Lissa's true guardian. He used his hands to pull his hair away, looked up and closed his eyes.

"Thank god," he said quietly. Was he really talking to god right now? I gave him a few seconds to process everything. Then he put his arm around me and pulled me close to him, wiping away with his other hand all the tears that I missed. Then he cupped my cheek in his hand, and I let my head rest on his chest, wrapping my arms around him, thankful for his warmth and his gentle touch. We sat there like that for a few minutes, before he broke the silence.

"I'm sorry that this happened to you. You have no idea how much," He said, and I cut him off before he could continue. I tilted my head up to look him in the eyes. I needed him to believe what I was saying.

"It's not your fault." Before he could argue I continued, this time holding his face firmly, making him look at me and not look away. "It's not your fault," I repeated, this time more slowly and meaningfully. "It's Raymond's fault. Him and the moroi. You didn't do anything wrong and you did everything you could to help me. It's not your fault."

He looked at me lovingly. "Thanks for saying that, but I'll never forgive myself for that. Everything the happened was because of me." Technically, it was also because of Lissa, but it didn't seem right to mention it. It was also very off the point. Of course, it was my fault more than anyone else's.

"Everything happened because bad things happen," I said. "You wouldn't be mad at a moroi if you got hurt protecting them, right?"

"It's hardly the same" He said. "They kidnapped you because of me. He almost..." His voice trailed off, but he didn't need to finish for me to understand what he meant.

"But he didn't. And I'm okay. I'm here and I'm safe." I couldn't let him feel guilty over this. It was not his fault, and I wasn't going to let him think that it was. Not that there was much I could do about it. And I had to admit, If our roles had been reversed, I'd also feel guilty. I tried to think about what other people could say that would comfort me in that situation and couldn't think of anything. So instead I held him, this time comforting him instead of letting him comfort me.

"I'm begging you not to let this destroy you," I said. "I know how guilt affects you. Don't let him win. Don't let him break you like he wanted." I wished that would be enough.

"He won," he said, burying his face in my chest, as I brushed my fingers through his hair and kissed the top of his head. "He won."

I tiled his head up and he looked at me. "I'm still here aren't I? He hasn't won yet, and we won't let him."

We stayed like that until we absolutely had to part, and he walked me back to class. My emotions were all over the place, my mind racing with thoughts about what had just happened. I had to find a way to help Dimitri, but I couldn't. This is what he must've felt all this time, only much, much worse. In the next recess, I wanted to clear my head so I went to the yard, where I met Tom. He was a welcome surprise and I walked over to him.

"Ready for tonight?" He asked, and answering my puzzled look he added, "For our practice."

I chuckled and we kept walking.

"It's you who should be ready," I said, "out last fight was merely a fluke."

"of course it was," he said sarcastically. We laughed and kept walking in silence. It wasn't the kind of awkward silent that needed to be filled. It was a calm silence, one that was light and fun. Tom was the one who broke it.

"I need to ask you something," he said and stopped walking.

"What is it?"

He seemed to have lost his ability to speak. He kept opening his mouth to say something and then regretting it. He looked at me, trying to find the words, but he couldn't. Then, giving up on the question itself, he kissed me. It was passionate and powerful, like something he'd been waiting to do for the longest time. He held my cheek with one hand while the other went around my back. His kiss was full of affection and caring. It took me a few seconds to realize what was going on, and when I did I quickly pulled away. I opened my mouth to explain but he cut me off. He must've seen this coming.

"Too soon?" He asked. "Are you not ready for that yet?" He took it for granted that I wanted it. And why wouldn't he? After my vague answer in the car, he had no reason to think otherwise. He hadn't realized that I loved Dimitri, and I wondered if I should tell him. It would break his heart, but it was the truth, and he deserved to hear it. But I couldn't bring myself to tell him. He was so fragile and unstable. He went from his cheery, smiling, fun side to his dark, hurt, and dangerous side in seconds. I've seen it happen. Not that I was afraid, we were surrounded by people. I just didn't want to hurt him and spoil his happiness. I knew I was being weak, but right then I couldn't do any better.

He took my silence as agreement and added: "It's alright. I'll wait for you, as long as it takes." His words were like knives in my heart. I felt so guilty it physically hurt.

All I managed to say was "Don't." How was I supposed to tell him that all that time I'd been lying to him, let alone in love with someone else? He looked at me, slightly confused, trying to understand what I meant. Lissa's blessed arrival saved me from having to explain. She and Christian approached, and by the look on her face I saw that she did not approve of me hanging out with Tom. Her yelling at me approved my suspicions.

"What the hell are you doing with him?!" She asked, half accusing and half demanding an explanation. "Don't you remember what he did to you?!" That was a stupid question. How could I forget?

"It wasn't his fault," I said. "They forced him." I felt an urgent need to protect him. Even though Lissa wasn't attempting to hurt him, I knew that being accused of hurting me did more than any physical pain would. I wanted to protect him from that.

"yeah, yeah," She said dismissively, "I know that's what you told Alberta. But he was here, all he had to do was talk to her or you or anyone else and they would've kept both of you safe."

That was true, theoretically, but in reality many things could go wrong if he did it.

"It's not that simple," he said, only to be faced with her wrath, now directed at him and not me.

"You don't get to talk," she said. "You'd be in jail now if I had anything to do with it." The fierceness with which she protected me warmed my heart, but it was directed at Tom and I didn't like that one bit. And neither did he, judging by what he said next.

"Shut up, princess," he said. No respect for her title reflected in his tone. "This whole mess started because of you, you're hardly one to talk."

Rage flashed in Christians eyes, but it was nothing compared to mine. I looked at him, my eyes conveying more fury and anger than they ever did. When I told Lissa my version of the story, I twisted reality just a little bit. I told her they questioned me about her, because she had to be aware that someone was after her, but I made it seem as though it was just their by-the-way questions, and the real and dominant reason I was there was Dimitri. I did that by saying they only asked about her in small talks in between tortures, like they asked about my mom (which was a complete lie) and about Victor (which was a half-truth, since they only asked about him in relations to her). I couldn't let her feel guilty about this. With spirit lurking in her mind, I didn't know how that would affect her, and my aura was black enough as it is.

She turned to me, and her voice turned soft and almost afraid. "What is he talking about?" She asked.

Just like with him, I couldn't bring myself to tell her the truth. "He's trying to assuage his own guilt. Don't listen to him." One glance towards him told me that he understood what I was trying to do, but didn't want any part of that, so he simply walked away. Lissa, however, was smart enough to realize something was going on.

"Don't lie to me, Rose," she said, half asking half commanding. "What was he talking about?"

There was no way out of it, I had to tell her the truth. "Raymond worked with the nameless moroi that came here in the attack. The reason they kidnapped me was for information about you, and that's why they tortured me. Raymond was only the reason they took me at first and not just went after you."

Her face turned dark, but not with guilt, like I would've guessed. She was furious. "You lied to me?!" She yelled, and I knew that this was spirit talking. Without any consideration of my own aura, I pulled the darkness away from her, and she seemed to calm down. Christian, who was holding her firmly, sensing that she wasn't herself, slowly let go and looked at her worryingly.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"Yeah," She said and turned to me. "I'm sorry I yelled like that Rose, I don't know what I was thinking." She was lost in thought, both about what I told her and about her overreaction to everything. I started walking with her and Christian back to class but he shot me a look that said I should leave them alone. Maybe he was right. Maybe I needed to let him comfort her, and stay away for now. I walked back to class, alone, with no less to think about than before I went out to clear my head. There was no chance in hell that I could listen in class, but attendance was mandatory, so I went.


	8. Why?

A few days later, as Dimitri and I finished our morning practice, I asked him a question.

"Is something wrong?" He'd been acting really weird these past couple of days. He was always thinking about something, his mind was always elsewhere. It was possible for him, apparently, to fight without thinking about the fight. And fight me, no less. I waited for him to share on his own but he didn't say anything that remotely explained his behavior.

"No," He said plainly. "Why do you ask?"

"You've been really remote lately. Seems like you have something on your mind."

"I didn't want to tell you before it was final, and you had no way to change my mind." I knew it. I knew something was wrong.

"What is it?" I asked expectantly, ready for anything. Well, anything except for what he actually said.

"I'm gonna leave in a couple of days. I don't know for how long, but I'll be back as soon as I can, long before you graduate." Leave me? After everything that has happened he was just going to leave me there?

"Why?" I asked, my voice more agitated than intended to let on. Picking up on that, he tried to calm me down.

"Just to think things out, I just need a couple of days off." Days off? Dimitri? Hell no. He was lying, which meant whatever the reason was for him leaving, I would not like it, Which only made me more upset. I rolled my eyes at his non-answer.

"For real this time, please." My tone suggested that I knew he was lying and won't tolerate any answer but the true one. My expression must've supported that because he gave up any further attempts to lie.

"I'm going to find Raymond, and I'm gonna kill him," He said, determination and certainty showing on his now sweat soaked face. We just finished practice, after all. Of course, I objected. I felt safer with him there and more importantly, I could never be too careful when it came to Lissa. He was her guardian, I couldn't let him leave her unguarded. We were both in the academy, but my faith in our safety while we were in there was fading by the minute. Besides, I just wanted him by my side. I wanted to see his face everyday and I wanted to talk to him and train with him. But except for all that, this tiny part of me didn't want Dimitri to kill Raymond. I had no doubt that Dimitri could if he tried, but I wanted to be the one to do it. Even though their fight started way before they met me, and everything he did to me was to spite Dimitri, I still felt like it was my fight, and I should've been the one to end it. Not him. That was just a small part though, and the rest of me just wanted him to stay. My long silence gave him a chance to continue.

"Don't try to talk me out of it. He needs to die for what he did to you, and I need to know that you're safe from him. I can't always protect you." There was sadness in his last statement. I realized just then that he didn't just feel guilty because he was the reason for Raymond's despicable actions. He felt guilty because he said he'd protect me, and he failed. I didn't want him to feel that way. There was nothing he could've done. Regardless, I wasn't going to let him go easy. If he insisted on going on the murderous revenge trip, he had to fight me first. He put his bag over his shoulder, suggesting that he was going to leave the gym, which was ridiculous.

"You're not going," I said, crossing my hands over my chest and looking at him defiantly. I meant both the gym, and the academy. He put down the bag, ready for a big argument, and he sure as hell was going to get one.

"Rose, I need you to be safe from him, don't you get that? I can't let anything else happen to you." His voice was cold and matter-of-fact, but his eyes betrayed what he felt. His affection and caring were clear to me. I let my arms drop and softened my voice and expression.

"Then just stay here with me. You can't eliminate every threat to us, but you can just be by my side and help me deal with whatever comes."

He took one step towards me and was now only a few inches away. He brushed his fingers along my cheeks gently, in complete contrast to the rage in his eyes as he continued. "He has to pay for what he did. I'm not gonna let him run free, and I'm definitely not gonna let him come after you again."

My current line of attack wasn't working. His mind was set on getting revenge and keeping me safe, and I suspected he no longer separated the two. That reminded me of the reason Raymond even wanted revenge. Dimitri killed an innocent woman. The look in his eyes reminded me that aside from the gentleness and softness he displayed towards me, Dimitri was a fighter, and a lethal one at that. I knew that logic and sense wouldn't convince him. He turned to leave again, and I knew I had to drop a bomb. I had to say something he couldn't ignore.

"It was worth it, you know," I said, and it took me a few seconds to decide that I actually meant it. "If I could choose between never knowing you, never falling in love with you, never having all of that happen to me, and having gone through exactly everything I've been through, I would choose the ladder in a heartbeat. I'd be willing to go through that all over again if it meant I could be with you." I didn't want to address the question of whether that would still be my choice if Tom hadn't saved me. I didn't want to think about it right then, and it wasn't the point anyway.

Dimitri looked at me, stunned. I caught him off guard which almost never happens. "Why?" He asked.

I chuckled, softly and desperately. I looked down trying to put my feelings into words, and then looked straight into his eyes. "You just don't get how happy you make me." I said simply. It really was that simple. I couldn't picture a life without him. I closed the short distance between us, and let our foreheads and noses touch. He closed his eyes and so did I. "Please don't leave," I said, trying to put all my emotions into these three words. "Just stay here with me." A single tear ran down my cheek. "We'll get through everything, I promise."

I wanted to kiss him so bad. We were so close, it hurt to stay apart. But I had to know that I've convinced him. That he'd stay. "I'm scared," I added, clarifying what I felt right then. That seemed to change his mind, but he was still unsure. I knew what he was thinking. That he couldn't protect me. I didn't want to argue about that right now. "You make me feel safe." My voice was barely audible at that moment. It wasn't easy for me to admit that I needed protection. It wasn't easy for me to think that I needed someone else to make me feel safe. But then, at least, it was true. Maybe when I graduate that would change. But I was still a novice, and not even eighteen yet. And he was... Well, him.

I could feel the battle inside his head. The battle for control. More than anything, he wanted to let go. But he had to make sure it was the right thing before he did. He had to be sure that this wasn't a mistake. Eventually, he gave in, and pulled me closer. Our lips met and he kissed me with passion that expressed how hard it has been for him to stay away from me all this time. I was just as passionate as him, having played this moment in my head a million times. And none of these times was as good as reality. He wrapped his arms around me tightly, and I pressed my body close to his. warmth flew through me, as I ran my fingers through his soft, silky hair, savoring the moment, almost afraid of when it'll end.

I felt electricity and lust running through me. I loved him so much, and I wanted more. He felt that, and to my surprise, pulled away. I looked at him, puzzled. "Don't you want to..?" My voice trailed off but no explanation was necessary. He understood.

He smiled in that way of his that conveyed so much warmth and love through one simple gesture. "Of course I do. But here? In the gym? You deserve better than that. You deserve Romance." He moved stray hair from my face and gave me a small, quick kiss on the lips. "You deserve perfection."

I loved him even more, not believing that it was actually possible. The only side of Dimitri that I knew was the one where he had to pretend all the time. Had to keep his walls up. He had to be distant, no matter how hard it was for both of us. I never saw this side of him, the romantic boyfriend type. Boyfriend? Could I really call him that? It seemed so unfitting, like that word couldn't contain the amount of love that we had. Thinking about that made all the problems that we faced before pop in my head, and I shoved them away by kissing him again. This time it was soft and gentle, but just as powerful nonetheless. After a long moment, I pulled away. Even though I hated to bring it up, it had to be addressed. "What about all the problems?" I asked. "What about Lissa and you being my teacher and all that?"

"We'll just have to keep it a secret until you graduate. And as for Lissa, Once you do graduate and become her official guardian, I'll ask for another assignment." The calmness and certainty of his voice filled me with confidence. But something did bother me.

"But then we'll be away all the time". Guardians followed their moroi wherever they went. So another assignment meant he'd be away from me, with his new moroi.

"We'll cross that bridge when we get there." He didn't seem like the type to just.. Wing it. He seemed to always want a solution to a problem before he even encountered it. He never went anywhere without a plan and never walked into a situation he didn't know how to get out of. Only this time, he did. I was hardly one to argue because I did that all the time. Hell, I don't think I've ever had a solid plan until five minutes before I needed it. And even then, "solid" was a strong word. And yet, I had to say one more thing.

"We could've done that all this time. What's changed?" All this time we were confident that we couldn't be together, and even when moving on proved impossible we still decided to stay away. I wanted to make sure that he doesn't change his mind. Being with him like that, and believing we could finally be together only to have him ripped away from me would be harder than I could endure.

"I always felt like I had to protect you from making the wrong decision. Like I couldn't be with you because, on top of everything else, it would be wrong because you're so young and inexperienced. I wanted to make sure I wasn't taking advantage of you. I wanted to know that you knew what you were doing, and not just rushing into some crush that you'll regret later."

The accusation stunned me, and him thinking of me like some helpless little girl who couldn't make her own decisions infuriated me. I was ready to give him a piece of my mind but, luckily for him, he continued before I could. "But now I know that's not true. You're an adult, and you're more mature than anyone else your age. I trust that you know what's good for you. And more than anything, I want to be a part of that. I want to make you happy." That just left me speechless. I pulled him closer for one more kiss. I hated to let him go, I wanted to stay there, like that, with him, forever. But if we wanted to pull this off we needed to have some restraint, and we couldn't attract attention. We had to keep it a secret, and this gym was still a public place. He pulled away, and, reluctantly, I did too. We both started walking towards the exit.

"Don't worry," He said, as he put his arm around me and kissed the top of my head lightly. "We'll find a way."

He gave me a light kiss on the lips, and we both turned to leave as the door opened and Tom was standing in front of us.


	9. You Lied

Dimitri immediately removed his arm and took a step back. Not too far back, since he didn't know if Tom could be dangerous. I knew he'd never hurt me, but Dimitri wouldn't take that chance. I looked at Tom, trying to understand what was going through his head. I could see on his face he was battling for control. But not like Dimitri was a few minutes ago. If Tom lost control.. Bad things would happen. But he didn't do anything, he just looked at us, as if anything he could see right now would make this better. After a very long moment, in which none of us did anything, he broke the silence.

"You lied.." He said, his voice small and deadly at the same time.

"Let me explain..-" I started but he cut me off.

"You lied!" This time his was yelling at the top of his lungs. "All this time you were lying! When I saved you, in the car, in the hotel... You lied!" I didn't tell Dimitri about my talks with Tom. I didn't tell him I had to pretend I loved him. So, as can be expected, this caused Dimitri to flinch. It was just for a second, barely visible, but I saw it. I'd talk to him later. I had a more immediate problem on hand.

"Please, let's talk about this.." He was furious. He kept pacing back and forth, never taking his eyes off me. I saw on his face that it took every ounce of self control he had not to attack me right then. Or, rather, attack Dimitri. I still doubted he would actually lay a hand on me.

"There's nothing to talk about! All this time you were lying!" His voice conveyed how hurt he was, and that felt like someone was kicking the air out of my lungs. I tried desperately to think of something to say or do that would make this better but I couldn't think of anything. I did lie, and I wasn't strong enough to tell him the truth when I had the chance, and he found out in the worst way possible. Now I had to pay the price for my weakness. Then suddenly he stopped pacing and just stared at me in disbelief.

"Why did you lie when I kissed you a couple days ago?" He asked. his voice was unexpectedly soft. This part didn't make sense to him, he tried to figure it out. Dimitri's reaction was quiet visible this time, This surprised him and he was caught off guard. Tom, seeing his reaction, started to think that there was more to this than what he just saw.

As always with Tom and his unstable state, I weighed my options. I could stick to the lie I've already told, and say this was another futile attempt by Dimitri to get me. Dimitri would play along, I had no doubt. Another option was to say that I planned on lying to Dimitri for some reason. To get something out of him. A silver stake maybe, to make me feel safer and be better equipped to protect myself. That was plausible. Another option was to say that this started only after we returned, and I was still very confused. But all of these options were lies. All of them giving Tom false hope that maybe I had feelings for him. I decided to stop lying. I'd have to deal with this some time, and even though this was far from ideal, it was the truth and I had to stop avoiding it.

"I lied because I couldn't break your heart" I said, and I saw how in seconds his face turned from calculating and hard to furious and out of control.

"Don't pretend you care! You lied all along, you can stop now. There's nothing more you could want from me." Boy, did that hurt. True, I wasn't in love with him, but I cared about him deeply. And except for a few lies, my relationship with him was real. The deep talks that we had, the sharing and the closeness, that was real. The laughs and the light feeling I got every time I talked to him, those were all real. But I couldn't bring myself to tell him that. There was a more important point to make here.

"I got you out of jail only" ,I put a lot of emphasis on that last word, "only because I care about you. And trust you". He had nothing to say to that. "Listen, I may not love you in that way but-" He cut me off again.

"Shut up! You're a fucking bitch you know that?" Wow, I did not expect this conversation to get to insults. And the fact that they were coming from him made it all the more hurtful. That was a rhetorical question, apparently, because he didn't wait for answer before he continued. "Don't worry, you'll never have to see me again. You can go back to living your perfect little fairy tale".

My life was hardly a fairy tale and I really, really didn't want him to leave. God, everyone want to leave me today. Unlike Dimitri, he was not open for conversation, and just turned around and opened the door.

I caught his wrist with my hand and tried to stop him. "Where will you go?" I asked, desperately trying to get that information. Maybe I could talk to him after he calmed down. Maybe there was some way this wouldn't end with him out of my life. That chance was getting smaller by the second, but I didn't give up hope. That is, until he did what he did next.

He slapped me, hard. Not expecting this to turn violent, I was not on guard and not in a position to block him. As a result, the impact was so hard that I let go of his wrist and fell on the floor. I saw one glimmer of regret in his eyes, but he left nonetheless. The slap in and of itself didn't hurt so much, I've been through a lot worse. But the fact that he would lay a hand on me startled me. I thought he'd never hurt me. Apparently I hurt him too much for him to stay loyal. That made me question everything I knew about him. How certain was I that he wouldn't harm anyone else? That he wouldn't go back to being a criminal? Did I let a dangerous person on the loose because I was blinded by his love for me?  
Strong hands shook me out of my thoughts as Dimitri sat besides me. He may have asked if I was okay, I didn't notice. I was so focused on Tom. I got up and walked outside, but he was gone. I tried to look for him, but he was nowhere in sight. I didn't even know what I would do if I found him. I didn't know whether I would hug him or slap him or incapacitate him and hand him over to Alberta, saying I was lying and he's dangerous. I didn't have to make that decision, because after a few minutes of looking, I knew he was out of the wards and gone for good. Leaving the academy to look for him was hopeless, and I couldn't do it to Lissa and Dimitri. After talking him out of leaving, I could hardly leave myself. I felt emptiness in my heart as the truth hit me. I'd never see him again. And the last time I saw him I broke his heart. That's the last he's going to remember of me.

I turned around and saw Dimitri. I didn't know if he was with me this whole time, or if he was just catching up then, and I didn't care. He couldn't help me right now. I started walking when I felt his hand on my shoulder. I brushed it off without looking at him. "Just leave me alone", I said, as I wrapped my arms around myself, even though I wasn't cold, and continued walking to the moroi dorm. I wasn't being fair to him, I knew it. None of this was his fault and he's been nothing but mature and supportive. He didn't deserve to be shut out like that. I also knew he thought that after our reunion I'd go to him for comfort, which was what I thought too. I surprised myself with my reaction, and almost didn't recognize myself. But it was me, and what I wanted to do right now was talk to Lissa, and that's what I intended on doing. He didn't follow me and I walked straight to her room.

A quick look through her eyes told me she was alone right now, which was a blessing. I didn't not feel like talking to Christian right now. I skipped knocking and just stepped right in, knowing that I wasn't interrupting. She jumped out of her chair, and was relieved to see me. Her relief turned to worry when she saw I was crying. I hadn't even noticed that. I was crying a lot lately. Way too much for my taste. Before I came here I almost never cried. I guess that's what school does to you. She sat on the bed and motioned me to sit beside her. I buried my face in her chest as she hugged me and stroked my hair.

"What happened?" She asked. I stopped sobbing and forced myself to look at her.

"He left" I said, barely getting the words out.

"Dimitri?" She asked. For half a moment I pictured what it would be like saying yes to that question. I thanked god he didn't leave. That would be a thousand times worse, and unbearable. I took comfort in that, but that was the wrong kind of comfort, so I pushed the thought away.

"No, Tom." I said. Her face hardened, and she pulled away slightly.

"Tom?" She asked in disbelief, "Is that why you're crying so much?"

I got up and turned towards the door. What was I thinking? Of course she wouldn't understand. She stood in front of me, blocking my way.

"I'm sorry" She said. "I may not understand why you're so attached to him, but if it makes you sad then I'm sad, I guess". She was honest. She didn't understand why I cared so much about him. And honestly, how could I blame her?

"I don't expect you to understand" I said, realizing for the first time how odd this must seem on the outside. What also startled me was that Lissa was considered "outside". She used to be the closest person in the world to me. I needed to start letting her in again. And I started right then. "You've never been in that situation before, I hope you never will be. But he saved me from the thing I was most afraid of. I owe him so much". We sat down and I told her everything that happened in the gym.

"hold on" She said when I was finished, which was funny. It's like telling a car standing in a red light to stop. But she needed a minute to organize her thoughts. Then she continued. "Are you telling me that you and Dimitri are back together?"

Back together? What exactly did she think happened between us? That led to a long conversation about, well... Everything. Since the very beginning. She listened carefully, uselessly trying to keep a straight face. I knew what she was feeling and thinking at every moment, even though I tried not to. But that was okay, because she was nothing but supportive and kind. her feelings were exactly what you'd expect from a best friend. That made me think about why I haven't told her. I trusted her completely when it came to keeping a secret. So why didn't I share this one, that was bothering me so much? All these secrets were constantly keeping us apart, and not as close as we were. I decided that stopped right then and there. I was bothered by the fact that my new resolve stemmed from something dark. I was hurt and confused and I needed her more that I cared to admit. Considering what just happened with Dimirti, I was surprised that I felt this way, but I did. I felt like my whole world collapsed, which it certainly didn't. Talking to Lissa, and sharing with her, even just being with her, was enough comfort, for now. But it wouldn't be for long. I remembered what Adrian said about my aura, and started to wonder if all the darkness was starting to affect me. The answer was irrelevant. I would never let Lissa experience the side effects of spirit, especially when most of it was used to heal me. If it drives me crazy in the process - so be it. But I'd really rather it didn't. I decided that that was a problem for another day, and I just wanted to focus on Lissa, and how good it felt to really be close to her again. As for anything else - I'd deal with that when I got there.


	10. I didn't Freeze

After Tom left, my evening practices were with Dimitri again. I can't say that it bothered me. Now, that all the tension was gone, and that the truth was finally out, we really just enjoyed each other's company. What happened with Tom, and more to the point - my reaction to it, bothered him, but he had the decency not to ask me about it. I told him I talked to Lissa, and that was enough for him. I was thankful for that, because I really wasn't in the mood to talk about Tom. Just thinking about him made me sad. To be honest, everything that happened to me that wasn't pure good seemed to make me much more upset than I should be.

On my way to class that day I passed two girls who were the perfect picture of mean teenagers, basing their self esteem on destruction of others. They looked at me, making sure I knew they were gossiping about me, then laughed and turned away. I was used to it, and I could ignore it easily. But lately, I had a hard time controlling myself around that kind of behavior. I pinned one of them to the wall, and looked at her with so much rage that she turned even whiter than usual. A side glance told me that a teacher was coming so I let her go. That bothered me long after it happened. Why was I so hot headed? My gut feeling said it was spirit, which was the most frustrating answer to that question. Spirit meant there was nothing I could do about it. In a desperate attempt to lessen its affects, I decided to take a nap between my last class and my practice with Dimitri. We had thirty minutes, and I intended to spend all of them in a deep sleep. Even if it didn't help, sleep in and of itself seemed like a blessing. Having dark thoughts and agitated behavior was exhausting. I entered my room and went straight to my bed. I didn't even take my shoes off.

I could've sworn I'd been asleep for only one minute before I woke up to the sound of my door slamming shut. I realized I'd forgotten to lock it. You'd expect me to remember it by then, considering. But I didn't. Well, no harm done. It was probably Lissa or..

I got up and found myself looking into Raymond's cold, dead eyes. I immediately shook away my sleepy state and was ready for action. Just as Tom did, he locked the door behind him. I knew exactly why he was here, and knew that this time I had to react. I couldn't freeze. And I didn't. I didn't freeze, I didn't panic, and I didn't lose control. I was vigilant, and aware of everything around me. A scan of my surrounding wasn't necessary - I knew my room like the palm of my hand. I knew that the smartest choice would be to jump out the window. We were on the first floor, the fall would hardly have any impact, and I could run and get help. But something took over me. Something dark. While I was aware of its presence, there was nothing I could do to stop it. I wasn't going to run. I was going to kill him. Our fight was going to end, one way or another. And I wouldn't let anyone else do it. It had to be me, and only me. I took my battle stance, ready to counter his attack. Only he didn't attack. He just looked at me.

"You're different than last time," He said, that hidden appreciation that I knew so well reflected in his tone. "You're not scared anymore."

"No, I'm not," I confirmed, not knowing why I played along with this small talk instead of just finishing him off. "And I won't be such an easy prey this time. Let's see how strong you are when I'm not tied to a chair." I didn't sound like myself at all. I ignored all logic and did what satisfied my need for revenge. I needed to prove to him, and everyone else, even myself, that I was stronger than him, and no longer afraid.

"I'm almost sorry to be doing this," he said. The craziness in his eyes left no room for doubt. He was insane. He wouldn't listen to logic, and was willing to do anything for his revenge. Much like me, I realized. Only, I wasn't preying on innocents. Besides, Lissa or Dimitri would help me out of this state when this is over. No one could save him. He didn't deserve to be saved.

Then, without further conversation, he attacked. His goal was not to kill me, but to subdue me, which was a great advantage, because I was definitely going for his heart. We both used stakes - I stole a silver one from Dimitri a few days ago. I dodged to the side, and he regained his stance. We circled each other, both focused on the goal - each other - and nothing else. He was bigger and stronger than me, but I knew our surroundings a thousand times better. Fighting in small quarters diminished my advantage of speed and maneuvering. At least, I thought that was my strong suit. And he wasn't too slow himself. He also had a few more years of experience. With all of those specific conditions taken into consideration, under the circumstances, he was a perfect match for me.

Time passed by as I attacked and he blocked, He attacked and I dodged, and our fight went on and on. It felt like hours had passed, when in reality Dimitri would've come to look for me. So even in the most extreme case, in which I truly slept for only a minute, that still gave us a little over thirty minutes, tops. However, we both looked like we'd been fighting for days. Sweat was dripping from both our faces, and we were both bleeding in random, non-lethal places. Arms, legs, faces. We both got in a few good kicks and punches, but not enough to get what we wanted. We were both panting as if we just ran a marathon. We both realized we needed new tactics, but we've already used them all. I had to improvise.

"Let's call it a tie," I said, lifting both of my hands, stake in one of them, in the air. He looked at me, surveying me carefully. If he attacked, I wouldn't be defenseless, but he'd have a major advantage. But he didn't. He waited for a few seconds, then gave me his hand in a gesture of peace, I reached with mine and shook his hand firmly. He pulled me towards him, as I knew he would. He turned me around, about to push me to the floor, as I knew he would. That gave me an opening to his heart, as I knew it would. I turned back to him and plunged in the stake. his eyes were filled with shock as the life drained out of them. I left the stake in its place, and let his dead body drop to the floor. I had barely enough strength to walk over to my bed and collapse.

I wasn't asleep, exactly, but I had very little awareness of my surroundings. I lay on the bed, eyes closed, catching my breath. I didn't feel any pain, the adrenaline probably hadn't dissolved yet, and the state I was in was hard to describe. If I had to pick a word, I'd say euphoric. I had beaten my enemy. I proved to myself and everyone else that I am not defenseless, and I overcame the biggest obstacle I had to face so far. The same feeling I got when I defeated all six dhampirs in the first attack had filled my heart. From the corner of my eye I saw Raymond's body, motionless. That settled the small, irrational fear of mine that he might somehow be alive, and attack again. But he didn't.

And I didn't freeze. I allowed myself to focus on that for a few moments. That proved I've gone a long way since I was kidnapped. Part of it was training with Dimitri, and part of it was probably just having gone through everything. Either way, I got to a result I was satisfied with. As long as I could react I knew I could defend myself to some extent. I could also run, or yell for help. If I let fear control me, I'd lose every fight, no matter how strong my opponent would be. So this was a big step for me, and I was proud of myself like I hadn't been in a long time. "Invincible" Isn't exactly the word I would use, but I was pretty damn hard to defeat. I knew some of that was my euphoric state, and that once I went back to reality I'd regain my ability to recognize that I still had a lot to learn. But for now, that was enough.

A knock on the door drew me back to my room and out of my own head, but nothing in the world could've gotten me to leave my bed. Or talk, for that matter. So I just waited for whoever it was to leave. They knocked again, and then pushed the door handle. When they saw the door was locked, they kicked it open, and Dimitri stood in the doorway. I had to laugh at the fact that he just kicked down my door, but considering the last time he had to, that was understandable. I still laughed. He saw Raymond's body on the floor, and me laughing on the bed. I wonder what went through his head in that moment. I was in no state to start reading the signs on his face. He walked around Raymond's body to the side of my bed, and started laughing awkwardly. Yep, that made sense. I held out my hand and he wrapped his fingers around mine. I looked at him with a big grin on my face.

"I won," I said, and there was no need to elaborate. He knew exactly how I felt. He understood. He always does. His hand gently touched my cheek, and pain shot through me. That suddenly made me feel every scratch and bruise on my body, and boy, did that hurt. My expression must've given my pain away because he withdrew his hand quickly. All the commotion must've drawn attention because I saw people standing outside my room, staring. There goes our privacy. Lissa came in and immediately sent her hand towards the big slash on my cheek. I caught her hand just in time, and with my other hand took the small mirror that was on my nightstand. I observed my reflection in the mirror, and made a decision.

"Don't heal me," I said. Before she could argue, I continued. "I want this to heal naturally. I want this scar." That brought to mind Tasha, Christian's aunt who had a similar scar on her face. I always thought that scar didn't diminish her beauty and that it was a show of character. But that wasn't the reason I wanted that scar. In an answer to her puzzled look, I added: "It's a reminder. That I won. That I'm strong enough. That I didn't freeze." She nodded and withdrew her hand. There was one question that needed to be answered.

"Why did you kill veronica?" I asked, and caught both of them by surprise. The moment I heard the answer, I felt stupid for not coming up with it myself. It was so obvious.

"She was turned to a strigoi," he said. "Raymond was her guardian." That explained everything. She was innocent, she never chose to become strigoi, but Dimitri had to kill her, for her own sake and everyone else's. Raymond must've felt so guilty that he had to blame someone else. He went crazy with grief. I should've known better than to doubt Dimitri. He never would've killed anyone without a good reason. I looked at both of them, as they looked at me with both empathy and pride. I was so glad to have them in my life. The rage from my fight with Raymond was gone, and with it all the dark thoughts I had. I felt better than I had in a while. I felt like I was finally back to normal.

If only I knew better.


	11. I Love You

Lissa healed me - apart from the scar, all the while ignoring my protests. This time I didn't take the darkness away. I would once she needed me to. My calm, normal state was short lived, and the dark thoughts returned. By then I had no doubt - Spirit was taking its toll on me and my sane mind was vanishing slowly. But I didn't tell Dimitri and Lissa about it yet. I didn't tell anyone. I felt like I could deal with it. I had the support of both of them, and that ought to be enough.

That evening was the one evening that every girl on campus had been waiting for. Well, everyone but me. I had bigger things to worry about. But for a regular school girl, a ball was definitely something to hold your breath for. We had a few parties here and there, and thinking about one of them brought a smile to my face. The one in which I punched Mia in the face. Good times. Only this one was bigger. The school had a bigger budget than us, so obviously a party like that would be epic. And, as a special treat, the school decided that at some point, none of us knew exactly when, the chaperones would leave. And that's when the fun would begin. Apparently they felt this was a rough year on the seniors. I wouldn't know. I was missing for half of it.

But people seemed very excited and so was I. I had no time to shop for a dress, but that wasn't a problem. This ball was a special occasion, so the school felt it needed a theme, that it couldn't be just a regular dance. The theme that was chosen was back and white. Not very original but it was classy. If the school was going to throw us a party, they might as well make it classy. And I was thankful for not having to go buy a dress. Dresses and suits in black and white were at our disposal. That was a nice way of saying that we must wear what they got us. they probably wanted to make sure that we wouldn't come with something that shows too much skin. That balanced out the no-chaperone thing. It was an unspoken rule that moroi would wear black and dhampirs would wear white, due to our skin colors. Moroi were very very fine, and dhampirs were usually a lot tanner. I, with my Turkish heritage, was a perfect example.

School was cancelled that afternoon, and Lissa and I spent all of it choosing a dress, doing our hair and pampering ourselves for the night. Dates were allowed but not mandatory (obviously) and it was clear that some boys would arrive without dates, seeing as dhampirs was mostly guys. To have a girl show up without a date however, that was almost unheard of. And how fitting that the girl who would to the despicable act of going alone would be Rose Hathaway. But what was I supposed to do? I didn't want to dance with anyone but Dimitri, and that was hardly something I could do. As far as I was concerned, this was just a reminder of the fact that we couldn't be seen in public. If we hadn't been together, that dance would have devastated me, but as it was, it was just a test of my ability to control myself. And if I got the look I had planned right, it would also be a test for Dimitri.

For one afternoon, it felt great to be like all the other girls. Me and Lissa did each other's hair and talked about boys. Well, her boyfriend. I was getting no action whatsoever. I was finally able to be truly happy for her, without the jealous part of me that wanted what she had. I sort of had it, and it was enough. We laughed and talked and time flew by, and, thankfully, Spirit didn't rear its ugly head. It was in me, I was constantly aware of its presence, but I managed to keep the darkness out. When the time came and we were ready to go, I was more than happy with the result. She wore a beautiful black dress the complimented her slim figure beautifully. She wore her hair down and gave it soft waves that made her look beautiful and angelic. She was the perfect vision of femininity and innocence. She got exactly what she was going for.

Me, I had less freedom of choice. Seeing as dhampirs wore white, and most of them were guys, it made sense to buy white suits. But dresses? I was one of the only dhampir girls, and by the time I came there was only one dress for me. Luckily, it looked so good on me that I may as well have bought it myself. I never thought white would look good on me, but this was a sort of dirty white, that was a perfect contrast to my tanned skin and my dark hair, which I wore down and straightened. No ponytail today. For once in a very long while, I could finally dress (and wear my hair) like I thought was pretty, not practical. And I knew that Dimitri loved my hair, especially when I wore it down. It felt great. My nails were done, and I even wore makeup, which I rarely did since coming back.

We stood in front of the mirror and Lissa looked at our reflection with approval. The only thing that bothered me was the scratch on my face. Once it would be a scar it would be beautiful, but now it was just partially healed, naturally, and it looked like a normal scratch along my face, which was not something I liked the look of. Make up could only do so much, but it was enough, and there was nothing else to be done about it anyways. We headed out, and as I opened the door I saw a small box on the floor. I opened it, and inside was a beautiful white corsage. There was no note, but I knew who it was from. It was cheesy, I knew it, but I didn't care. I deserved to feel like a goddamned princess for one evening. I put it on and we went to, where else, the gym, which the school has turned to a beautiful ballroom.

There were tables filled with food and drinks (not alcoholic, much to my dismay), and decoration hung on the walls. I had to admit though, the rough mattresses and plain walls managed to be more romantic with Dimitri, than this place was without him. The decoration committee, or whoever was responsible for it, did a decent job, but I guess my heart only responded to one person. And there he was. Leaning against the wall, hands crossed over his chest. Just as distant as a chaperone should be. He looked around, probably for me, and when he saw me his eyes stopped moving and opened wide. Yeah, I was beautiful alright. His look told me that he was taking in every detail, as if he'd forget the moment he looked away. Noticing the corsage on my wrist, he gave me a quick smile. I loved the way his gaze felt. It was like a thousand compliments from the man who's opinion was most important to me. His eyes surveyed me from head to two, a couple of times, which felt great. All that effort ought to be appreciated.

He looked so great that I could hardly look away. The white suit he wore showed his muscled, sexy body, and he wore his hair down in a way that framed his face. Seeing his response to my appearance was the last confirmation I needed before declaring the preparations to this ball a success. And now that that was behind me, it was time to have some fun. I walked to the food table, purposely walking past him. His hand brushed mine as I passed through, and it took all the strength I had not to hold it. Not to stand next to him. Not to hug him and kiss him and.. No. I couldn't do any of that. We were at a formal school dance, and all the chaperones were looking for exactly things like that. They were focused on the students, but it made no difference. We had to be careful. So I just walked past him, and drowned my sorrows in a chocolate brownie. It did a decent job.

Lissa grabbed my hand and dragged me to the middle of the dance floor. So, with no other choice, I danced. People came and went, but me and Lissa? We stayed there the whole time. We both needed it. It was a fun break from all the serious drama we had lately, and I enjoyed every second of it. I forgot how much I loved it. But then, the fun was over, as the slow songs began. For Lissa it was wonderful. She and Christians danced beautifully and gracefully. They actually looked like a prince and princess from the movies. I, on the other hand, went to sit next to a tray full of chocolate chip cookies. I decided to test their ability and compare it to the chocolate brownie. It was the most interesting thing I had to do. Some guys tried their luck and asked me to dance, but I refused every time. I was not in the mood.

I looked for Dimitri, and found him near the exit. He looked as if he'd been waiting for me to notice him. Then, as he was sure he caught my attention, he went outside. I waited for a moment and the followed, just to avoid drawing attention. Attendance was mandatory but staying until the end wasn't, and I surely made my attendance known to every chaperone. I didn't see him outside the door so I looked around a bit. A hand pulled me into the shadows of the trees and I immediately threw my self into it's owners arms. Good thing it was Dimitri and not someone else. That could've been awkward. He kissed me softly and gently and I savored the moment, memorizing it. The taste of his lips, the softness of touch and the warmth I felt spreading through my body. It was just as perfect as it was in the gym. Our little fairy tale moment.

"You look beautiful," he said as he pulled away. His eyes were filled with love and admiration. I was so glad he didn't have to conceal those feelings any more. From everyone else? Yes. But not from me. It warmed my heart to see him looking at me like that.

"You don't look too bad yourself," I said, as I noticed an smile cover his face and excitement flashing in his eyes. I immediately got excited too, and didn't even know why. I just looked at him expectantly. He didn't need to ask why. I knew there was a surprise coming, and he knew I knew. It was amazing what we could communicate to each other without words.

"Come," he said, as he held my hand and led me into the woods. That brought back some bad memories, but I was with Dimitri, So I felt safe. The slash on my cheek reminded that even if he weren't here, I'd be safe. But there was nothing wrong with taking comfort in his presence. He led me close to the wards, near something that looked like a cabin. He explained that it was used by guardians being on watch, but now it was abandoned. Therefore, I expected to see the inside of a deserted cabin. What I saw when he opened the door was a far cry from it.

There was a fire burning in the fire place that made the inside feel warm against the chilliness of the outside. The floors were clean, and so were the counters, tables, and chairs. There were lights inside but they were off, and the room was lit by countless candles spread all over the room. I thought that was kind of dangerous, considering the cabin was made of wood, but brushed that thought away. We weren't children, we knew how to be careful. It's not like we were going to do anything that would draw all of our attention, not leaving enough to worry about starting a fire. The curtains were painted in warm colors, and were shut, blocking away any darkness from the outside. The bed had clean, white sheets, and it had rose paddles on it, organized in the shape of a heart. The pun wasn't lost on me. I had no idea how he got a hold of these inside campus, but he was resourceful. There was an open bottle of wine on a small table with two wine glasses. I went over and poured myself a glass.

"What do you think?" he asked, as he poured him self one too. He clicked his glass to mine as we both murmured "cheers."

"It's beautiful," I said after a few sips. "It's perfect." The look on his face was one I rarely saw before. He was nervous. He finished his glass and poured himself another one.

"Should I feel guilty for letting an underage drink?" He asked, and just in case he wasn't joking I answered:

"If I'm old enough to use a silver stake, I'm old enough to drink." I knew that was a mistake the moment the words left my mouth. Was the wine affecting me already?

He gave me a sidelong glance. "Did you steal one of my silver stakes?"

"No," I said and gulped the rest of the wine.

He laughed in that perfect way of his, that always made my heart melt, and drank more of the wine. I looked at him, with what I could imagine were sparkly eyes. I missed his laugh. He looked at me again and kissed me, silencing any further comment about the stake. He placed his hands on my neck, letting his thumbs brush against my cheeks. There was nothing that I could think of that felt better than his kiss. Nothing in the whole world.

When we stopped I asked: "what's going on? You seem nervous." A thought came to my mind that I had to prove wrong right away. "You're not proposing are you?" He laughed, and so did I, since that was so ridiculous.

"No," He said, still wearing a smile, "I'm not proposing."

"Come on, it's me," I said, using a fake pleading voice, holding both his hands with mine and standing on my tiptoes. "You can tell me anything." That part had no joke about it.

He sat on the edge of the bed, and I sat beside him, still holding his hand.

"I love you," he said. "But these words couldn't possibly contain what I'm feeling. You're the most beautiful woman I've ever see, by far, and I'm so lucky to have found you. I love everything about you. I love The way you're lost in thought sometimes and you get the face like you're solving the world's greatest puzzle. I love how you disregard authority and don't show any respect whatsoever to people you feel don't deserve it. I love that cute little smile you get when you outwit someone, and I love that you get frustrated every time I arch my eyebrow because you can't. I love that you can always talk your way out of impossible situations and I love that you took everything I taught you and put your own personal spin on it, that's gonna make you invincible someday. I love how you're not afraid of any danger, yet the thought of listening through a whole history class terrifies you". I had to chuckle at that. "I love how strong you are, and how fiercely you protect those you love, and I love how you're not afraid to face impossible odds, and somehow you even manage to win. I loved that about you since the moment I first saw you, when you stood between us and Lissa, not letting anyone get near her. I love that even though you're strong and smart and going to be one of the best guardians there ever were, you still need me, and I want to protect you for as long as you'll let me. I'm so awed by how you can overcome anything, literally anything, without losing sight of what's important to you, and without losing your values and indisputable sense of right and wrong. And I love that I can finally tell you all that without feeling guilty. I never even knew how much I needed you until I met you, and I'm so, so glad that I haven't compromised for anything less, because you.. If I'd have to wait a hundred years for you, I would. You're so worth it. I know I said this isn't a proposal, and it's not, but I'm gonna stay with you, no matter what."

I was speechless. I hadn't expected such outright admission of affection from him. It was better than I could've imagined. My heart was about to explode with love for him. "I don't know what to say.." I said, honestly.

"I had a lot of time to think about that, I can't expect you to come up with an answer just like that." That was true. If I ever wanted to write anything like that, I'd have to work for a whole year, and even then it'd never be as good as what just came out of his mouth. Instead, I kissed him, letting the passion of it do all the talking that I couldn't. He wrapped his arms around me, and I let myself be consumed by his touch. There were tears in my eyes but they were tears of happiness. I never thought I'd be as close to someone as I were to him right then. I felt like he completed me in ways no one could. He understood me without me having to explain myself, just as he did now. I tried to convey all of the emotions that I couldn't put into words in the only way I could, and as always, he got me. There was no need for words anymore. Our kiss slowly became more and more intense, and I felt myself getting lost in something wonderful, blissful, almost indescribable. One by one, our clothes got off until they were scattered all over the floor. He pulled away but stayed as close to me as he possibly could. That was the point of no return, in which I had to make a decision. It was obvious to me, but he wanted to make sure that I was ready.

"I love you so much.." I said, as my voice broke and I started to kiss him again. Once he was sure that I was ready and willing, he didn't hold back. I loved the way his fingers felt on my bare skin, and was ready to let him take the lead. He was patient and kind and wonderful and there's nothing in world that would've been better than that. Than being with him, there, like that with nothing separating us and no obstacles standing between us. He was everything I needed in this world, and I knew that he felt the same. The love that always burned between us burned hotter and shone brighter and electricity shot through me. It was nothing but pure perfection.


	12. Spirit

How does that saying go? A lady never tells?

What happened between me and Dimitri in the cabin was amazing. Indescribable. Any depiction of any kind that I could use wouldn't be enough. Not even close.

But after? No one said anything about that.

We stayed in bed and cuddled, and I felt me body slowly calming down. That amazing feeling that I had was still wrapped around me, and how could it not? I was in his arms, as close to him as I possibly could be. He tightened his hold, pulling me even closer against him, and kissed the top of my head. What could only be described as butterflies filled my entire body, and if the smile I was wearing could get any broader, it probably did.

"Aren't people going to wonder where you are?" I asked, dreading that I'd just ruined our perfect night.

"I left just before chaperones were told to leave" He said, again melting all my worries away.

We lay there in silence for a while, until Dimitri broke it.

"Were you going to tell me about spirit anytime soon?" He asked. That surprised me.

"How did you know? Did Adrian say anything?" If he did, He'd get into some serious trouble with me. It was none of his business.

"I don't need your aura to know that something's wrong with you. I notice those things about you. I had a feeling that something was wrong for some time now, but I wanted to let you come to me when you were ready."

"What changed your mind?"

"Seeing you laugh after you've just killed a man". What? That tipped him off? I was sure it'd be my reaction to Tom's departure, or the mood swings I've been having lately. But that? He should've seen it from my eyes. It was hilarious.

"I was laughing because you kicked down the door. I was perfectly fine." I didn't even believe my own words. How could I have been perfectly fine after killing a man? regardless of how monstrous said man was. I knew that his death should have affected me more than it did. And I knew that the darkness lurking in my mind could've made me aloof to something that should've been quite big a deal.

"Rose, I'm serious. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want to make Lissa feel guilty." That was true, but it wasn't the only reason, and Dimitri knew it.

"Okay, so that's why you didn't tell Lissa. Why didn't you tell me?" He asked. Confession time.

"I just thought that I was strong enough to do it alone. I still do. I've got it under control and I..-" I couldn't finish the sentence because he cut me off. What I was about to say was that I didn't want to worry him and start finding all sorts of treatments to deal with this because I was fine. But the conversation took a different turn.

"You don't need to do it alone. I want to help you Rose, with whatever's troubling you, no matter what. But you have to let me in. You have to trust me," he said earnestly. He looked straight at me and the intensity of his gaze brought me to say something that I didn't realize was true until it came out of my mouth.

"I do trust you! I just.. I wanted to be strong for you. I know you love that about me, you said so yourself. I didn't want to let you down. Everything that happened with Tom and Raymond was embarrassing enough; a perfect display of weakness. I just.. Didn't want you to think that I was weak." The subtext was there, loud and clear. He loved me because I was strong. I didn't want him to love me less because I was weak.

He sat up and raised his eyebrows in a perfect picture of shock. I sat up too. He seemed to be looking for the right words as I waited there impatiently.

"You don't have to be strong for me." He said finally. "I'll love you no matter what and I want you to be able to be weak around me. If anything that's only going to make me love you more." He paused, as if to indicate a new part of his speech, and then continued. "What happened with those two wasn't weakness. It was a mistake, one you'll never make again. But after that? You've shown nothing that even resembles weakness. You kept Lissa's secret through days of torture and you did whatever you had to to get out. You've done nothing wrong and you have nothing to be ashamed of. " He stopped, and then resumed, his tone slightly more harsh. "Do you think taking darkness from your best friend until it drove you crazy shows strength? It shows stupidity and arrogance. You can't deal with everything alone and you shouldn't have to. No one possibly could. But what if you fail? Have you thought about that?"

I didn't need to hear anymore. I got up, suddenly very aware of my nakedness and looked around for my clothes. I started to get dressed as I told him off.

"I'm not arrogant, I'm considerate, and I'm..-" I stopped talking and getting dressed as he grabbed my arm forcefully. It wasn't enough to actually hurt, but it caught my attention.

"You weren't considerate, you were scared. Of something that would never happen. I would never, ever, stop loving you. Don't you know that? Not because of this, and not because of anything else." He let go of my arm and I sat beside him. "Don't you think I have weaknesses? You're the most important thing in the world to me and I couldn't keep you safe. How's that for weakness?" He put his fingers very close together. "I was this close to losing you. I'm not going through that again. I'm not going to let spirit, or anything else take you away from me, ever."

I was thinking that with everything being so new between us and seeing as I never actually got any assurances from him, having some irrational fears was understandable. But I wasn't going to say that. I was going to tell him that I'm sorry and I won't keep anything from him from then on. And I was going to tell him exactly how the darkness had affected me and reveal everything that I kept a secret. But just as I opened my mouth to do so, fear filled every part of me, and Lissa's mind took over my consciousness. She was shaking, and she was so afraid, I thought I might be shaking too. My body, that is. My mind was in her's, looking through her eyes, and what I saw justified all the fear that accompanied it. Tom stood in front of her open door.

That in and of itself wasn't that terrifying, except that he was carrying a stake and pointed it straight to her heart. The look in his eyes was vacant, like the windows of a deserted house. His body however showed no restraint as he leapt towards her, undoubtedly trying to kill her. I knew that Christian was in the room because she did, and I felt heat waves coming from behind her back. I returned to my own body, and found myself trembling. I knew that she was still alive, Which meant Christian was holding him off, for now. I was so scared for Lissa, that I could barely talk. All I managed to say was "Lissa", and Dimitri understood. He always did. We both got dressed as fast as we could and ran towards her dorm.

We opened the door and found Christian standing between Lissa and Tom, both as a human shield and as a protector. He held a ball of fire in his hands, which was something I've never seen him do before. The extreme situation and his love for Lissa and fear for her must've brought something out of him that he didn't know he had. We all knew he specialized in fire but there was a difference between setting up a scumbag on fire just long enough to give him a scare and controlling a ball of fire between your hands. That demanded much more skill and control.

I immediately stood between Christian and Tom, and Dimitri was right behind me. We both held our stakes in hand.

"What are you doing?!" I asked, desperately hoping there would be some explanation for this absurd situation. "Put down the stake and let's talk about this." He didn't even answer me. His eyes kept moving frantically from one of us to the other, as he tried to think of a way to get to Lissa.

"He's compelled," she said. She must've tried to compel him and failed. The fear that filled every part of me, her fear, was still there, but lessened as Dimitri and I came. She trusted me and felt safer when I arrived. That gave me some sense of pride that I could focus on later. And the thought that Dimitri could be the one triggering that feeling in her would be quickly dismissed, later.

"Can't you overpower that?" I asked. If she could maybe we could stop this nightmare.

"No," she said. "I tried. Whoever did it is way out of my league." Well, that was that, then. If he was compelled there was no talking him out of it. No calming him down. He wouldn't stop until he killed Lissa, and I wasn't going to let that happen.

"Why didn't you kill him?" I asked, referring to Christian ball of fire that was ready for launch.

"For you," Christian said. And that said it all. Christian knew how much I cared about Tom and tried to avoid killing him. I never realized he'd do that for me. I had no doubt that he'd kill him to protect Lissa, but he tried to hold it off for as long as he could, for me. That warmed my heart and I had a newfound appreciation for him, but again, that was something to be addressed later.

Then, Tom made his move. He threw his stake at Dimitri, forcefully enough that if it'd hit the heart he would die. Almost simultaneously he attacked me. He tried to both stun me and take my stake but I was ready. My stake was pointed at Tom's heart and he held me back using one hand. The other one was wrapped around my neck, blocking my airways. Dimitri tried to pull him off but seemed to have a hard time doing it. The stake might've missed his heart but did hit his shoulder, which significantly lessened his power. I kicked Tom, as hard as I could, and he flinched and stumbled backwards. I took a lungful of air and was ready to attack again, only Tom was with his back to me, and now faced Christian.

I was still dizzy, and Tom used the delay to face his next challenge. He feinted, and the fire ball went flying into the wall. He pushed Christian, with what seemed like no effort at all, and was now facing Lissa. She couldn't defend herself, and all he had to do was plunge the stake into her heart. My biggest fear was coming to life in front of my eyes.

Everything seemed like it was going in slow motion. Tom raised his hand, holding the stake, and I lunged at him. I heard Christian yelling something behind me, and I heard Dimitri try and fail to pull Tom away from Lissa. He didn't expect me, and I was then holding him down on the floor, both of us holding a stake in hand, he got another one from his coat after throwing his at Dimitri, pointed at each other. The vacant look in his eyes turned frantic and hysterical. I didn't know what was going through his mind as he failed to do what he was compelled to do. I had no time to think about it. I had to act quick.

I feinted to the left and sent my stake in a rightward movement towards his heart. That was a difficult position to attack from, but I didn't have a choice. His stake, in the meanwhile, missed me, thanks to the feint, and was coming at me again. My stake was in the right angle but my arm wasn't, which made plunging it into his chest extremely difficult. But not impossible. Using every ounce of strength I had, I shoved it straight into his heart. His hand, holding the stake dangerously close to my heart, dropped, and his head tilted to the side.

He was dead. I let Dimitri pull me up, but made no effort to stand. I killed Tom. I heard Lissa sob and vaguely felt her holding me, maybe even thanking me. I killed the man who saved me with my own two hands. I looked around me, looking for nothing in particular. Shock was hardly the right word for it. Spirit was. Darkness was.

Suddenly, everything that seemed vague and unclear became sharp and loud. There were too many voices around me. It was like someone turned a switch and made all of my senses a hundred times more powerful. It was like someone broke a stained glass window that I've been looking through all my life, and I was finally seeing everything like it truly was.

The outside sensation was overwhelming enough as it was, but what I felt inside dwarfed it. Everything I felt vanished and there was place for only one thing: Pain. Not physical pain, which would have been much easier to deal with. It was grief over Tom. Anger at Lissa for forcing me to do this. Sadness at what I had just done. Fury against the people who compelled Tom to do this. I closed my eyes and put my hands on my ears, but that didn't slightly diminish the storm that I felt inside of me. I fell to my knees again, feeling the darkness eating me from the inside out, taking control over every single part of me.

"Stop!" I yelled, "Make it stop!" but it was useless. My screaming voice was inaudible in the madness that took over my mind. Thoughts started swirling around my brain, reminding me of everything that I ever wanted to forget. The accident. Lissa's kidnapping. Spokane. My kidnapping. Every time I cried over Dimitri, every time I felt the pain of not being able to be with him. Every time my mother made me angry or sad, or desperate. Mia and Jesse came to my mind. Natalie and Victor. Isaiah and Elena. The nameless moroi. Raymond. Tom.

His image stayed in my mind's eye and there was no way I could get it out. It overwhelmed me and I felt my control and sanity slowly fading away. It wasn't like what happened to Lissa. I wasn't slowly losing my mind. I was rapidly losing myself. It all happened so fast. Like always, I felt it taking over and there was nothing I could do about it. I wanted it to stop. But I couldn't do anything. I kept yelling the same things over and over again, but to no end. For a second, I wondered what it would be like to be completely controlled by madness. How would a dark me behave and what would I do different? I was about to receive my answer.

Just as abruptly as it began, it ended. My mind was far from quiet, but I could think. The overwhelming pain I felt diminished, but I could still feel it, strongly. Thoughts weren't swirling around, consuming me. I controlled them, and they were coming in a normal train of thought. I opened my eyes and removed my hands from my ears. The colors and sounds I sensed weren't exactly like before. They were still sharper and louder, but not as overwhelming as they had just been. I looked around and found Lissa, Dimitri, and Christian sitting around me, each with their own version of a concerned look. A quick peak in Lissa mind told me how she interpreted the look I had over my face right then. She thought I was crazy. I didn't even knew if that were true or not. They each had their hand on my shoulder, or my hand, in a futile attempt to comfort me. I got up to brush them all off at once. I looked at them and found no obligation to say or do anything. I wanted to get out of there. I simply stepped between Lissa and Dimitri, forcing them to let me through. Lissa moved aside, but Dimitri grabbed my wrist, making me turn around and face them.

"What happened? What's going on?" I recognized his voice. Once I thought it was caring. The look on his face once seemed to me like worry. Now all I could see was suspicion and disapproval. I snatched my arm away and looked at him levelly.

"Everything's fine. You should take better care of your charge next time," I said, and walked out. I didn't know exactly where I was going. Every face I walked past looked condescending and hostile. Even people whom I thought were my friends. I went to my room and shut the door. _'That door must've been fixed for the hundredth time by now'_ , I thought. A knock a few seconds later answered the question that was raised by the old me. _'The sane one'_ , I thought, and a smile decorated my face. It wasn't a smile of happiness. It was the humor of the irony. That question being, why was nobody following me, or trying to figure out what happened to me. The answer was - they did, I just hadn't noticed. I locked the door. I felt no need to see their faces.

"Please don't break down the door," I said, using a fake pleading voice filled with animosity. "I just don't want to talk to any of you." Saying the truth seemed simpler than trying to come up with a polite lie.

I heard Dimitri's voice through the door. "Just let me say one thing, and then we'll leave."

I opened the door, feeling exasperated. Why couldn't they just leave me be? All three of them stood there, and I looked at them impatiently. "What?"

"I know what's happening to you." Dimitri said. "I did a little research about your situation and found out." I laughed outright.

"Oh really?" I said, thoroughly amused. "What's that?" Just for the fun of it, I wondered what he would come up with.

"Stockholm Syndrome." The cynic smile on my face turned into a frown when I heard that. When he referred to my "situation" I thought he meant the darkness of spirit. What he actually meant was my situation with Tom. Stockholm Syndrome is a condition in which someone who's been in captivity develops a strong, seemingly irrational, attachment to their kidnapper. It wasn't well known, but I knew all about it. Lissa heard about it once in a psychology lecture in our old school, back when we were living among humans. I remembered her concentrating deeply on the lecturer, while my mind was probably focused on the hot guy sitting two sits left of us. I also remembered her stupid fascination with it, and what once seemed charming to me now looked senseless and ridiculous.

The thought that what I felt as strongly as I possibly could was a result of some rare syndrome was enough to infuriate me. How dare he? How dare he de-legitimatize my feelings like that? I knew what I felt, and I knew that that pain was real, more real than anything else I felt at that moment. My love for Dimitri was there. It was so strong that even the darkness couldn't shut it out. But by then all it did was magnify my insult at his accusation. I couldn't bare to even look at him.

"Fuck off, Dimitri," I said as my hand reached for the door handle.

"Let us help you, please," said Lissa's annoying, begging voice. My love for her was still there too, but, like with Dimitri, that only made me more angry. The bond radiated fear, but Tom wasn't anywhere to be found. She was scared of me. How could she? I was in that state because of her, I took the darkness because of her and I killed Tom because of her. And she was afraid of me?

"Go to hell," I said to all three of them as I shut the door in their faces. My mind was starting to overwhelm me again. I felt lost. Like no one understood me. I knew what the old me would do. She'd run into Dimitri's arms like a good little girl and tell him everything that was going through her mind. She'd go crying to Lissa, pouring everything out in an unending stream of useless words. Lissa would nod empathetically, as if she could ever understand. The old me seemed pathetic. Weak. Vulnerable. I wasn't any of those things anymore. I wanted to shut my brain out, and did it the only way I knew how. I changed clothes, got into bed, and fell asleep immediately.


	13. That Son of a Bitch

I woke up the next day feeling just as bad as before. I just felt like punching someone. It was like my monthly period, only much worse. Good thing I had practice with Dimitri. I needed some ass to kick. I walked to the gym, keeping my eyes on the floor. Everything around me seemed more vivid. The grass looked greener, the sky looked bluer, and all of that just made me want to puke. The chirping of crickets was as audible to me as if someone was screaming in my ears. It wasn't like I heard everything louder. I heard everything the same, just like my vision hasn't changed. My brain had. Everything consumed more attention and had a greater effects. Sounds I could ignore before were dominant and diverted my attention. Looking at bright colors was like looking at the sun. It was almost blinding. The grey floor gave me comfort.

When I got to the gym I found Dimitri waiting for me outside.

"Let's go" He said and turned to our running course. I was not going to run right then. No chance in hell.

"No way" I said, not bothering to be polite. "I'm not running. We're going inside, and we're going to fight". What I said was blunt and, as Dimitri put it, I was _disregarding authority_. I knew I shouldn't speak that way to him. I also knew I didn't care one bit about what I should do. I expected him to start arguing, but instead he went inside, and I followed him.

We went inside and started fighting right away. I wasn't careful as I always was, and I seemed to keep him on his toes. I punched and kicked and did everything I could to take the darkness out on something other than myself. Dimitri was as careful as ever, which made him an easy target. After a short while, very short in my taste, our fight ended with my stake pointed at his heart, which meant that I won.

"Stop letting me win" I said, knowing full well that he didn't let me win as much as just spared me a few bruises. "Fight me like you would a strigoi".

"I'm not going to actually attack you, Rose" He said, and for the first time since I saw him, I looked at him. Actually looked at him. His affection was written all over his face. His eyes were searching mine for something. Probably for what remained of the girl he used to love. Too bad there was nothing left. That was pathetic and it only made me want to punch him more. I had to admit though, he was sexy. That hadn't changed. Something inside me burned and it wasn't anger like before. It was passion. It didn't stem from love, that would be ridiculous. I just wanted him, right there, right then. But I still had some fighting to get out of me. I punched him right in the face.

"How about now?" I asked, hoping that what I did would trigger some anger in him. It did. In one swift motion he swept me off him, and tried to pin me to the floor. I rolled over and got on my feet, and we circled each other. Then he attacked. Unlike always, he was aggressive, and he didn't seem to hold back. He wasn't the god I always saw when he fought, so he did hold back, but he sure didn't look like it. Finally he was giving me something to work with. This fight lasted longer, but it ended with a punch to my stomach that sent waves of pain through my whole body. I fell, and like a good warrior he used that opportunity to pin me to the wall with one arm and point the stake to my heart with the other. It got all the fighting out of me. At least until evening practice. I was left with the burning desire I felt before, and it rushed through me like a tsunami would wash over the nearest city to the beach. I was aware of his hand, pushing against my shoulder strongly, causing just enough pain to make this so much hotter. I used to love the gentleness of his touch and the softness of his skin. There was nothing gentle about him as he held the stake so close to my heart, I felt the sharp edge piercing my shirt. There was nothing soft in his sweat covered face, that showed no remorse. No inhibitions.

I kissed him, letting my fingers dig into his skin. There was something aggressive about it, as if I could defeat him using my mouth. Normally we'd start with small tender kisses, but that seemed like an utter waste of time. He dropped the stake, and I felt his confusion as his hand hesitantly touched my waist. He didn't know what to do. He didn't even know who was kissing him right then. I could sense him trying to figure out if this was right or wrong, and I had no time for that. I turned around and used both my arms to push him against the wall, all the while not breaking out kiss. If you could call it that. Love hardly played any role in it. He seemed to have made up his mind and the conclusion he reached was not the one I was hoping for. He pushed me back, strong enough to make me fall on my back. I leaned on my arms as I kept my eyes on him.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!" He asked as he took a few steps for the sole purpose of not being close to me. He confusion was replaced with disgust and condescension. It was the same way he looked at me after he took the lust charm off. I used to think it meant that he lost control, and was using every bit of power he had not to kiss me again. I used to mistake it for a look that said that he wanted me, and was horrified by what he just did. Now I knew better.

"You didn't seem to mind when I was wearing that fancy dress" I said as I got to my feet. I knew that his attraction to me wasn't the problem. To him I could look sexy even in my sweaty gym clothes. I just didn't know what is.

"The dress isn't the difference. Your mind is". So basically he was saying that it's not that he didn't want me, he just didn't love me anymore as a person. Great. My lust turned to anger in seconds, and I no longer wanted anything to do with him.

"You said you loved me, what a load of crap! You knew what to say to get sex, way to go comrade!" If I didn't know any better, I'd say he actually got hurt. But I did know better. He didn't care about me, he said so himself. I took my bag and left, not letting him answer that. I held back tears that threatened to make me look weak. Not that I cared what he thought, but I still wanted to get away from him.

I went to Lissa's room, and didn't bother to knock. I regretted that the second I walked inside. She and Christian were laying on her bed, making out, so I got the slight feeling I might be interrupting something. I walked over and pulled him from the back of his shirt until he stood, looking at me with both anger and pity. Who the hell did he think he was pitying me?

"Get out of here" I said. When he just stood there, trying to decide what to do, I realized he was scared to leave me alone with Lissa. That son of a bitch. I grabbed him from the collar of his shirt and made sure he looked straight into my eyes.

"Listen to me you little freak, when I tell you to beat it, you beat it, or I'm gonna kick your ass in front of your pretty girlfriend". I reminded myself of a thug in a bad action movie. I didn't care as long as he got the message. I needed to talk to Lissa, and I didn't want him there. I released my grip and he pulled on his shirt in defiance, never taking his eyes off me. A nod from Lissa told him she felt safe and he left. I sat on her bed and smiled as if nothing happened.

"So what's up?" I asked as I took my shoes off and crossed my legs. I couldn't feel anything through the bond, which meant she was blocking me. "What are you hiding?" I asked before she could answer my previous question.

"Nothing" She said, sounding as innocent as ever. "I just don't think picture of me and Christian in your head is what you need right now". If she was hiding something, this was a good way to cover for it. I let it go, not wanting to risk it. Nothing's worth seeing her and Christian inside my own head.

"I fought with Dimitri" I said, before I could think the better of it. It just slipped out of my mouth. Old habits die hard, I guess. But since it was out, I might as well get her opinion on it. A little support would have been damn appreciated right about then. When she didn't respond I realized she was waiting for me to elaborate. I decided to indulge her. "Basically, he said he never loved me, and only wanted sex". That was harsher than what I thought when it happened, which was a few minutes ago, but that was the truth now. At least to me. If spirit was the cause for that deterioration, I didn't know or care. There was nothing to be done about it.

"I doubt it" She said as she squinted her eyes at me. I was shocked.

"Are you calling me a liar?" I asked, daring her not to disagree.

"I'm saying spirit might have made things seem bigger than they are. Don't you agree?" She spoke to me like she would a child. That pissed me off. I got up and faced her, feeling anger taking control of me again. I felt it burning in my bones.

"No" I said, my voice harsh and deadly. "I think the only reason I got stuck with this darkness in the first place is you, and you have the audacity to say I'm making a big deal out of things?"

"I'm just trying to help you". Her condescending voice that reminded me so much of a therapist now turned frightened. If I could get any madder, I did. I did all this for her, to keep her safe. And she's afraid of me? That's the thanks I get? The change in my feelings must've been written on my face because she squinted, and her seating became defensive, with her back straight and her hands against the mattress, ready to boost herself up.

I couldn't think of anything else to say to her. I walked towards the door and as I opened it I saw Christian standing outside. He was obviously listening to our conversation. He wasn't worth the attention I'd give him if I got mad at that. And I made sure that my eyes said as much. I pushed him and walked away, not knowing exactly where. The bell reminded me that I still had someplace I needed to be. I decided not to let them see me down. I wasn't going to show weakness. I was going straight into that class, and I'd show them that nothing could keep my down. Not even betrayal from the two closest people to me in the world.

As I got out of class and was walking down the hall, the funniest thing happened. Christian pushed me against the wall, and held me back with one arm. The amusing part was that he thought he could hold me back with one arm, or with three for that matter. I got less amused as I saw his other hand was forming a ball of fire. I didn't try to attack him. I wanted to know what this was about. I did not feel like getting burned.

"Shut up and listen" He said before I could ask what this was about. I felt fury boiling inside me, but I did as he said. I didn't want to mess with the guy who could burn my beautiful hair. "You're being irrational and aggressive, and you're hurting everyone around you".

"Don't you think they hurt me?" I asked, surprising myself with honesty. Something about his aggressiveness made him relatable, and for the first time since Tom died, I felt like someone understood. It was weird that out of everyone, it was Christian who made me feel comfortable enough to show I was hurt, but the feeling was such a relief, I wasn't going to fight it. Everything that I've felt lately had been anger, and pain. I'd take any comfort I could get.

His look shifted at my question, and I saw empathy on his face. Not pity like before. He saw me like something more than the monster everyone saw in me lately. "There's a way to make it stop" He said as he let go of me and the fire went out. He took Lissa's anti-depressants out of his pocket.

I felt myself getting rigid and defensive. "I'm not depressed" I said as I pushed him out of my way. The dark thoughts start taking over my mind again, and the comfort I felt a moment before disappeared. I was on my own against spirit, and as always, I lost. I prepared myself for another burst of rage, when Christian's hand turned me around.

"Just take the fucking pills Rose!". He yelled that part. I knew that if I waited another second I'd probably punched him. But the feeling of empathy, of understanding, was such a blessed relief that I hated to let it go. I held onto it with every bit of strength I had, but it wasn't enough. I took a pill and swallowed it before darkness would change my mind. Then I went to my room, and lay on my bed as the tears started streaming down my face. Why was I crying? Because Dimitri didn't love me anymore? Because my best friend whom I sworn to protect was afraid of me? Because I was weak? There were a lot of reason to choose from. But it didn't matter. All the emotions I held inside came bursting out, and I had no intention to stop them. I was exhausted and it's only been a day. I didn't think I could hold on much longer. My thoughts went to Lissa. I remembered how I couldn't understand why she did it. Why she hurt herself. It seemed so absurd to me. Then I understood. I just needed to make the pain go away. No matter how. I had to make the darkness go away. I couldn't take it anymore. I got up and walked to the bathroom. My brain was a storm of dark thoughts, and I felt as if I was going to explode. I just wanted it to stop.

And then it did.

* * *

 **I want to thank everyone for your support and great reviews it's been amazing writing this story so far :)**

 **Please review I appreciate all kinds of reviews :D**


	14. A Moment of Clarity

Everything stopped. My mind calmed down, and so did my body. The frantic sobbing, which I just became aware of, stopped and I wiped the tears away. I looked at myself in the mirror and felt... Nothing. I had no thoughts at all. The pain and anger, the feeling of despair and hopelessness was gone, but it wasn't replaced by anything else. It was the pills, I realized. I stood in the middle of my room and did nothing for a few moments. Then I looked out the window, and what I saw was so different than what I've been seeing since Tom died. The vivid colors turned pale and meaningless. The birds that I couldn't stop hearing didn't come to my attention unless I specifically tried to hear them. It felt like a wall around my brain was blocking out everything. It was such a complete contrast to what I felt before. Instead of a storm, my mind felt like the ocean, with no waves and no tsunamis. I was calm and relaxed. I lay on my bed and looked at the ceiling.

I didn't know how much time passed. Time in which I did absolutely nothing. I didn't even think. I merely existed. A knock on the door made me get up, and a quick glance outside the window told me it's been a few hours, since the sun was up, which meant it was the end of our day. Did I miss my practice with Dimitri? I got up and opened the door. Christian was standing in front of me. I stared at him blankly. I didn't feel the need to do anything else.

"How are you?" He asked, concern radiating from his expression and his voice. That would've warmed my heart before. Now it just did nothing. I felt like a computer. I registered the facts but didn't feel anything about them. I needed something to tell me what to do, otherwise I wouldn't do anything. I didn't want anything.

"I don't know" I said. It was the first thing that came to mind. Then I continued. "I'm not crazy anymore. I'm just.. I don't know." I couldn't explain to him how I felt, but I didn't see any point in trying to dig up something inside me and realized what I felt just to answer his question.

"Let's go to dinner" He said. I didn't see any reason to object, so I came with him. Neither of us said anything. We sat down, and I started eating. The food was tasteless, but I ate because I was hungry. I didn't see what I put in my mouth, and I didn't care. He kept looking at me with those caring eyes, trying to understand what was going through my head. It was like watching someone trying to figure out what's written on a blank paper. Nothing was going through my head. I stared at him blankly, and he looked down at his plate. So did I.

When Lissa came she tried making conversation, but it was useless. I answered her questions and said nothing more. Then Dimitri came. He sat down next to me, and I wondered what why he ate with the students. Wasn't there a table for guardians that he always sat in? He grabbed my hand, which was rested on my leg under the table. I was aware of his touch, and I remembered how much I used to love it. I remembered how much I missed his touch, how it made me feel like there was nothing more important in the world than him. But I didn't feel it, I just remembered it. He had the same look as Lissa and Christian. He was worried about me and tried to figure out what was wrong, only nothing was wrong. Nothing was going on. I was filled with nothingness.

So, lacking anything else to do, I got up and left. They seemed surprise at my abrupt departure, but I didn't mind. The thought of letting them know I was leaving seemed stupid. They'd see it in a few seconds. I went to the gym, seeing as it was time for evening practice. I had a recess until then, but I didn't want to do anything else. I didn't want to do anything at all. Dimitri, Like Lissa, asked all sorts of question, and tried to trigger some emotion in me, but he couldn't. I answered what I could, and stayed silent when I couldn't. I did what he asked and nothing more. Then I went to my room, and the smell of stench made me get in the shower. After that, I turned off the lights and fell into a long dreamless sleep.

The next few days were a haze. Every time I felt anger starting to build inside me, I took another pill. Everything in between seemed dull and pointless. I went to classes, in which I could actually listened, for a change, because thoughts weren't swirling in my mind, and I found no interest in talking to any of my classmates. I went to breakfasts, lunches, and dinners, all of which merely to satisfy my need for food. It was tasteless, and conversation seemed like an unnecessary effort. When someone stopped by my room to see how I was doing I told them how I felt at the moment. Usually it was something like _fine_ or _okay_. The accurate word was nothing, but the answer seemed to bring about more questions, so I tried to avoid it.

One time, after practice, Dimitri blocked my way to the door.

"Can you let me through please?" I asked, looking straight ahead, almost through him. I saw no reason for him to hold me here, practice was over. He cupped my face in his cheeks, tilting my head up so I'd look at him. His face showed so much emotion. He cared about me deeply and was worried sick about me. I didn't know why, I kept telling him I was fine. He was desperate to help me, and lost since he had no idea how. He was confused and frustrated, which was understandable. He tried to fix a problem that wasn't there.

"Please" He begged "please talk to me. I hate to see you like this". Talk to him? I did talk to him, every time he approached me.

"I don't know what to say" I said. That was the truth. I didn't know what he wanted me to say.

"What do you feel?" He asked.

I thought about that a moment, and came to no other conclusion than any other time. "I feel nothing" I said. "It's the pills. Before I was mad, and now I'm not. I just don't care about anything". He closed his eyes and kissed me. I knew he tried to trigger a reaction by doing it, but it didn't. I didn't even close my eyes. I just let him do what he did, having no opinion about how it felt. It wasn't good or bad, it just was. He looked at me, and his hands dropped, and so did his look.

"I'm sorry" I said, because I felt like it needed to be said. I didn't know why, I wasn't really sorry about anything, but it seemed like I should. He looked at me with hope, that turned into despair as I turned around and walked away. I apologized, that seemed enough. I went to my room, took a shower, and went to bed, same as always.

Lissa and I were walking around the school, when suddenly a group of attackers came at us. I tried to fight them but they were too many, and too strong. I didn't see any of their faces, and they didn't say anything. I fought and fought, but it was useless. It was like they were invincible. Nothing I did had any impact. Inevitably, they got through me to Lissa, and without warning, they slashed her throat and left. I sat by her side, horrified by the look of my best friend, whom I love so much, dying in my arms. I never even got to say goodbye.

I woke up with start, sweat all over my face. I sat up and looked around me, registering my surroundings. It was a dream, I realized as I calmed my rapid breathing. That dream had been the most intense thing I've felt ever since I took the pills, by far. I looked at the clock and realized that I'm late for my practice with Dimitri. Just to make sure that she was okay, and this wasn't my subconscious warning me, I reached out to Lissa. I just needed to know she was okay. But I couldn't. Even if she were asleep I could always feel her presence. But I couldn't. The bond was gone. A moment of clarity flooded me as realization struck. I was okay. For a brief moment, I wasn't consumed by spirit, or the pills. I didn't know of it was sheer luck that I woke up in that exact moment, or if it was my mind's way of helping me. I didn't even now if it was the timing, or something else. I had no idea what was going on, but my mind was clear, and I was thinking straight.

Finally. Sights and sounds weren't overwhelming, and not dull and grey. My mind wasn't shut. I felt things. I felt was worried about Lissa, and I felt horrible for how I talked to her, and Christian and Dimitri. I felt bad for them, having been so worried about me, and I felt love for all of them burning in my chest. I thanked god for this moment of serenity. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I was me again. That peace was short lived, and my brain started laying out all sorts of plans. I had to stop this. I wasn't going to be a crazy bitch all my life, or a zombie. I had to make it stop. After a moment of thought, the solution was clear to me. I realized what I had to do. But just as I did, I felt darkness lurking in the back of my mind, waiting to make its appearance. I knew that if it did, I'd never do it. I'd never get rid of it, and I didn't know if I'd ever have another opportunity like this, when my mind was clear. I realized I had to act fast. I had a few minutes, maybe even less.

I went towards the gym. Dimitri must've been waiting for me. If I wanted my plan to work, I couldn't wait for him to come look for me in my room. He had to be there. I wore the dirtiest, oldest clothes I could find and start walking. I had to admit, I was afraid. I was afraid that I wouldn't make it there in time. And even if I did, my solution was not trivial. I'd take a lot of courage, which I wasn't sure I had. About half way there I noticed that in all the hurry I forgot my stake in my room. That wasn't good. I didn't have enough time to go back. I was already battling the darkness, pushing it back. It won't be long until I lose and it'll take over.

I saw his figure through the window of the gym, and knew he noticed me. It was far so I didn't see his face. That was good. I needed at least a minute to pass before he got to me. I stopped where I stood and looked around me. I found broken glass on the grass. His tall, lean figure straightened up. He saw me and was wondering why I stopped. He was heading out. I had to act quick. I saw only one choice, and it terrified me. But I had to do it. It wasn't even for Lissa or Dimitri. It was for myself. I had to save myself from the darkness. I wasn't willing to lose myself, and let something dark control my body, hurting everyone I love. In lack of any other choices, I braced myself.

I took the glass, and sliced my finger, just to see it was sharp enough. It was, and blood started streaming along my finger. In order to get rid of the darkness, I had to restart. I had to destroy it, and then come back. I had to kill myself, and have Lissa bring me back. It was risky, but I saw no other choice, and I felt myself losing control again. Before I could think the better of it, I took the sharp glass, and ran it along my throat. The pain was burning, worse than anything I've ever been through. It was unbearable. I fell to the ground, barely noticing the blood spilling from my neck to the floor. I had only a few seconds of consciousness left. I hoped I did the right thing. This would be an awful way to die. They'd think spirit made me do it. If only they knew it was me, the real me. I saw Dimitri running towards me just as my vision started to blur, and everything went black.


	15. Well, Are You Just Gonna Stand There?

DPOV

Why had she done it? I thought the pills were working. Well, not exactly working but at least stopping the madness. As I reached her I fell on my knees, and my pants soon became soaked with her blood. I held her head in my hand, and her hand with my other one. She was dead. Her cold hands were such contrast to the warmth she always made me feel. The look on her face haunted me. The look of the woman I loved more than anything in the world, surrounded by her own blood.

Her eyes were open, those browns eyes that I loved so much. Those eyes that felt endless and I could spend all day staring into. Those eyes that I found myself lost in so many times before. I felt pain filling every part of me, and it was more agonizing than anything I've ever felt. I kept waiting to wake up from this nightmare, but it was real. I couldn't bare the thought of losing her. How could I let this happen? I was so close, I could've stopped this. I still could, I realized, and acted as quickly as I could. Maybe this wasn't the end of everything. Maybe I could save her.

I took her in my arms and started running towards the moroi dorms. Classes hadn't started yet, so Lissa would be in her room. I couldn't let her die. I promised her I'd help her, that I'd protect her, and I failed, again. I pushed the handle but the door was locked. I knocked very loudly on the door.

"Lissa? It's me, open up!" I yelled through the door. I couldn't waste a second. Time was crucial now, or so I thought. I didn't really know much about spirit, but I guessed that if you wanted to revive someone, they can't be dead for a long time.

She opened the door, still wearing her nightgown. She must've heard the urgency in my voice. When she saw Rose's dead body she gasped, and tears filled her eyes. She was horrified and sad and about a million other things. But there was no time for that and she realized it. She motioned me to come inside and I lay down Rose on the bed. Her sheets became red with an instant and blood started to spill from the corner of her mouth.

"Please, you have to do something" I said in a small voice. Begged, even. I had no doubt she'd do anything to save her best friend, but I was desperate. I couldn't lose Rose, and I had no way of helping her. I felt helpless and I hate feeling helpless. Lissa didn't answer me. Either she understood I was going out of my mind, or she thought the time spent answering me should be used to save Rose. Either way, I couldn't argue. She put her hands on Rose's body, and I saw chill running through her. She closed her eyes and focused on bringing Rose back. For a few agonizing moments, nothing happened. The wait was killing me. Lissa's face was wet with sweat and tears and she started shaking uncontrollably. Then she fainted.

RPOV

I woke up in a.. Well.. I have no idea what it was. Just whiteness. Kind of a white nothing. Everything I saw around me was white, and there was no height, depth, or distance. I realized this must be death. Maybe hell, because I could see how spending eternity in a big pile of nothingness could be torture. I thought about what I did, and had no regrets. Lissa would wake me up, I was sure of it. And I had to take advantage of the rare opportunity of a clear mind.

I turned around, I think, since there were no real directions, and saw Mason. My lips twitched into a broad smile and I ran to him, and wrapped my arms around him.

"Is it really you?" I asked. It made sense that I saw him if I were dead, but still, I had to ask. His big smile was all the answer I needed. Suddenly tears started to spill from my eyes, and before I knew it I was sobbing into his chest.

"I'm sorry" I said, letting out all of the guilt I felt about everything that happened between us. "I'm so so sorry. I never should've led you on like that. I never should've.. I should've protected you, I'm sorry". His strong hands soothed me as he hugged me and stroked my back.

"If it's any consolation, I would've tried to help you even if you hadn't". I chuckled through tear filled eyes, and his sense of humor that I missed so much was familiar and comforting.

"Please forgive me" I said, hoping to god that he would. I needed his forgiveness if I was ever going to forgive myself.

"of course I do" he said as he wiped the tears away. "You did nothing wrong, and you did your job as a guardian the best you could. What I did was my choice, not yours. Remember that." I nodded, still holding onto him. "I have to go" he said, as I started to feel him fading away. The firm body I felt became more and more transparent, until he finally disappeared.

My hands dropped, and I stared into the nothingness again. Where had he gone? I was so relieved that he wasn't mad. I finally forgave myself. A few moments passed. It could've been a few seconds, or a few days. There wasn't any sense of time in that.. Place? Whatever it was, everything that defined our world wasn't in it.

Then I saw Tom. He stood in front of me, so I didn't have to run. I just looked at him, waiting for the right words to come, but they never did. I thought about what Dimitri had said. I didn't know if my caring about him was due to spirit, or Stockholm's Syndrome, or him saving me from Raymond. All I knew was that I was glad to see him.

"Even when I'm dead I'm driving you crazy ha?" he said as a small smile crept up on his face, and the sadness in his eyes lessened.

I smiled at him, and could only imagine what my face radiated to him. I felt so many things. Sadness, confusion, regret. But also caring and worry. Even a little bit of happiness. "I had to do it" I said, knowing that even that wasn't necessary. He understood. I saw it in his eyes. he understood that while it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, I don't regret it. He knew I'd always protect Lissa, no matter what. He understood why I didn't feel guilty.

"I know" He said, as he stroked my cheek softly. "And I know you cared. Even if you didn't love me". Again, he knew exactly what I needed to hear. I thought I felt his hand starting to disappear, but as I looked at him, I saw he was just as real as he were before. He wasn't disappearing, I was.

"What's going on?" I asked, panic slightly audible in my voice. "Am I going where Mason did?"

"I don't know" he said, suddenly sounding very stressed, almost in a hurry. "You're either going back to life, or fully into death. But if you do come back, there's something you need to know. The Moroi that compelled me was the same one who kidnapped you. His name is Roger Moore." I understood the urgency of what he was saying. Lissa was still in danger. Or was she?

"But he failed. Do you think he'll send someone else to kill her?"

"He got exactly what he wanted" Tom said. "He drove you over the edge. It's always been about you, don't you get that?"

"But he wanted information about Lissa!" Nothing he was saying made sense, and I had to get as much information as I could.

"He wanted to know if she was a spirit user, because he wanted to know if she revived you. Spirit users are rare, yes, but shadow kissed? A thousand times more so. You are special Rose."

"Okay, so I'm shadow kissed, so what? What could he possibly want from me?"

"Be careful Rose".

that's all he managed to say before I disappeared.

I woke up in Lissa's bedroom. I didn't see Lissa there, but the bond told me she was alive, in the school's infirmary, with christian at her side. The bond was back. I was back. I was finally me. No spirit and no pills got in the way. I was finally myself again, and that felt amazing. I felt calm and my mind was clear. I stood up looked around me and saw Dimitri. He was shocked. He didn't know what to do. He just stood there and stared at me like I was some miracle coming to life before his eyes. Oh wait. I kind of was.

Seeing him like that was amusing, and I felt my lips twitch into an honest smile, filled with joy at seeing him.

"Well, are you just gonna stand there?" I asked, trying to shake him out of his shocked state.

He walked towards me, covering that small distance in a second. He pulled me in his arms and I let myself get carried away by his strong hands and sweet smell. He held me tight, just like he did in that hotel room when he rescued me. Like he'd never let anyone take me away from him. Just like he promised. I wrapped my arms around him, feeling dizzy with joy. I don't think I've ever been this happy. Well, maybe in the cabin. I couldn't imagine what he must be feeling right now. Having seen me dead, and now holding me in his arms. I felt his relief and happiness in his strong embrace. I stood on my tiptoes, and cupped his face in my hands. "I'm here" I said, reassuring him that it wasn't a dream. "I'm safe". A single tear rolled down his cheek as he kissed me with both tenderness and passion. His love was palpable in the way he held me close, and I treasured it.

"I've never been this scared before" He said as he pulled away. Our forehead were touching and I was still on my tiptoes. "I don't ever want to lose you Rose. Ever. Those few minutes were far more that I can handle. I'm not gonna survive a lifetime like this".

"you won't have to. We're gonna grow old together, you and I. I just know it." He swept me away into another passionate kiss, before reluctantly letting go.

"You must want to talk to Lissa" He said, again using that uncanny communication without words we seem to have. I nodded and I swear that letting go of him physically hurt. We walked to the infirmary, and I saw Lissa laying on the bed, and Christian was holding her hand, and whispering something in her ear. She looked at me and her eyes lit up. I ran to her and hugged her as tight as I could. She returned the embrace with just as much intensity.

"Don't ever do that again" She said, but her voice conveyed anything but chastisement. Relief, thankfulness, pride, love. That was more like it. I looked at Christian over her shoulder, and he gave my hand a tight squeeze. I looked at all three of them and my heart almost exploded. I loved them all so much. I just wanted everything to stay just like it was right then.

The next day we ran the name "Roger Moore" in a government database that the moroi court helped us get our hands on. One of these Rogers was the one I'm looking for. That confirmed that my encounter with Tom and Mason was real, and not a fiction of my imagination. That assured me that the comfort I felt after that encounter was justified. Mason really DID forgive me, and Tom DID know. I didn't tell anyone but Dimitri, Lissa, and Christian about my after-death experience, but no one asked too many questions. When they did I just said I remembered something from when I was in captivity. Us four, on the other hand, knew that this Roger was still dangerous, and still after us. Me, apparently. But we all decided to cross that bridge once we get there. For now, I just wanted to enjoy my time in the academy with all three of them.

* * *

 **I want to thank everyone who reviewed and followed this story, your support meant everything to me :)**

 **I hoped you liked the story and how it turned out. Please keep reviewing, both good and bad reviews are very appreciated, and if you have any question I'd love to answer :D**

 **Until my next story, goodbye ;)**


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